road grub (a throwback)

so, tomorrow, i go to oklafuckinhoma city. for eighteen hours. yee-haw. odd thing about when i go on little trips for my company; my boss almost ALWAYS has some eatery he’s passionate about in the area i’m heading to. whenever i went to tulsa, oklafuckinhoma, he said i HAD to go to the rib crib. while it is pretty good bar-b-que, it’s not the be all end all of brisket existence. to hear him talk about it, it is. i would call in…”hey boss…got the server all configured and rockin’, and i fixed four outlets this afternoon.” his response? “great…but have you been to the rib crib?!?!?”

well, they also have rib crib in oklafuckinhoma city. so i probably MUST eat there. but i’ve noticed as i’ve tromped from place to place that business trip eateries can be broken down into five levels. five different levels depending on location, time of day, and desperation. now, this is NOT including your high-dollar kinda joints, ’cause on my budget (even on company trips) a three-figure meal would not go over well. one time i went for seafood in corpus and spent $60. you’d think i shot someone. and this isn’t including strip clubs, ’cause on most company trips i don’t carry my own money, and turning in a receipt for a $8 steak, but $35 worth of beverages, and another $50 in “tips” does not fly with our accounting department. although the prime rib at the diamond cabaret and steak house in denver is DAMN good. but they do have a steak house attached, so that was to be expected. but keep all this in mind when you go over this…

chez hotel

price: typically higher than what you think you should pay once it hits your mouth…but the same can be said for some women i’ve known. never mind that now.

taste: typically kinda bland. their “zesty southwestern sauce” won’t be that damn zesty. their “rich pasta blend” will not be that rich. most of their clientele are from out of town, so they have to keep the taste universal.

location: hard to get much handier than an elevator ride from your room.

time of day: usually wins in this department as well, due mainly to the proximity.

comments: if you want a watered down version of what locals consider food, you’ll be in the right place.

chez local

price: typically very good. they get locals, and they want them back. you can’t fuck locals and survive. especially in some of the closer to the border areas…but there it’s for whole different, free clinic kinda reason.

taste: NOW you’re talking. this is where i always try to eat. why leave town just to dine somewhere you can always eat?

location: varies…but usually worth the trip. ask the locals…and i don’t mean just the people in the hotel.

time of day: again, varies. but as long as you’re not shooting for anything too outlandish, you’re usually okay. of course, in austin, it’s a 24/7 thing. but we’re cool like that.

comments: does it get any better? clearly not.

chez crap on the walls

price: same as in your town. chili’s baby back ribs are always the same price. except in the airport.

taste: same as in your town. the jack daniels chicken strips always taste the same.

location: varies…but they’re ALWAYS in clusters, so if the wait is too long at one, just walk across the parking lot.

time of day: same as in your town. so, just adjust your watch to the time zone you’re in, and it’s game on.

comments: chili’s. tgi friday’s. cheddar’s. olive garden. red lobster. bennigan’s. aussie’s. etc. etc. etc. it’s just like fast food, as far as reliability is concerned…it’s just a bit more flavorable. and pricey. and you can’t upsize your combo meal.

mcchez king bell in the box

price, taste, location, time of day: are there any surprises here?

comments: there are times you just HAVE to have a whopper bell grande with eleven herbs and spices. or something like that. and when you have to eat in the car, the fajita pita is even a little difficult to manage. sometimes a man’s gotta do whatta man’s got to do.

chez convenience

price: low

taste: low

location: everwhere

time of day: 24/7…which adds to the fear factor.

comments: it’s west texas, and just outside this truck stop/convenience store/lounge/abductee outlet mall is a sign stating that there is NOTHING for the next 497 miles. go for stuff that’s PRE-PACKAGED. unless you really wanna play fast and loose with your digestive system, avoid the scary as hell fried bin typically filled with corn dogs, burritos, egg rolls, cheese sticks and such. mother nature NEVER intended you to eat the monte cristo from the conoco 200 miles outside of abilene, texas. find some roadside jerky or something. this is the one time that you’re stepping UP by doing this.

Replies: 1 Comment

I think it’s actually an Exxon, between Midland and Odessa, but the fried things were good…. albeit, a slight “90 weight” flavor. But that could be me.

Excellent overview for a road dog.