blinking for dollars (a throwback)

today, there was no perfectly aged bit…

…and honestly, that’s okay. i’m sure cinco de mayo twenty years ago when i worked concerts for a living was a massive shit show, and the period i spent in corporate america was a low point for me, creatively, so it’s always interesting to glimpse back at that half decade of my life, which included…

more expensive than a hooker

by sean ~ September 21st, 2005. Filed under: Uncategorized.

okay, this is one of the most painful things i’ve ever had to say on this site…

…ME was right.


did anyone else feel that? i’ve done hundreds of entries, for tens of thousands of hits, and that was just painful…but she was. let’s play a game – for it, you need to be able to read english (which if you’ve made it this far, you should be okay) and a stop watch and/or a watch or clock with a second hand. ready? okay – read the following and time how long it takes:

do those feel okay?

rounding UP we could call it a second, right? see, we’ve discussed how much it was a pain in the ass it was to go get my eyes examined, right? a buddy of mine and i were discussing it, and he said that he told them to shove the “fitting” part of it in their ass, because he had been wearing contacts since the ’80s, knew what he was doing, etc, etc, and it worked. i can be a forceful guy. i figured i could do it, too.

ME said i didn’t have a prayer.

well, i got a call that my contacts were in. i walked in all ready to throw down if they tried to use part of my contact allowance for a “fitting fee”. they just handed me two boxes of trial disposables and sent me on my way. said to call in if i liked them and they would order me up a couple of boxes.

no fitting. i won.

i thought.

i went back in at the end of those five pairs and said, “okay – hook me up”. they didn’t have any. they gave me five more free pairs, and said it would be this week. they didn’t look at my eyes and see how they sat. they didn’t ask if the disposables were cool. they just gave me five more pairs, said they’d call me, and sent me on my way.

no fitting. i had REALLY won.

in two ways – one, because i wasn’t out the $42.50, and two because ME was wrong.

or so i thought.

they called saturday to tell me my lenses were in. i went in to pick them up, and they said, “okay, that will be $37.50?.

“what?”, i exclaimed. “i have a contact allowance on my plan of $105, and the lenses are only $100 – if anything you guys **owe** me five bucks”.

“no”, the attendent calmly explained, “your lens allowance is $105, and your contacts are $100 – but your contact fitting ran $42.50, leaving a balance due of $37.50?

“WHAT fitting?”, i asked. “you just handed me the the trial lenses and said, ‘have a good one’. that’s not a fitting! i’ve been in weddings – i’ve been fitted for tuxedos. i KNOW what a fitting is, and ‘have a good one, bro’ is NOT a fitting”.

i think he’d heard this argument before. because unblinkingly he responded, “do you remember at the end of your exam when the doctor gave you some lenses and had you put them in?”

“yeah…”, i replied.

“…and then he asked you, ‘do those feel okay?’, right?”

“yeah…”, i replied.

“well, there you go…” he stated flatly. “a fitting”.

let’s do some math real quick, shall we?

$42.50 for one second. that’s $2550.00 a minute. that’s $15,300.00 an hour (or $318,240,000.00 a year).

i am in the wrong business.

and i find it hard to believe that a minute with an eye doctor with REALLY bad hair is worth ten times as much as an hour of pure adult fun with a curvy houston “pro” with 32G natural boobs (don’t ask me how i know that figure (meant in more ways then one), but trust me, i do – although i never had to pay, but never mind that now…).

so, ME, you were right…


now let’s never speak of it again…

(2022 note – we wish her a speedy recovery from her covid coma induced muscle atrophy issues!)

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