how do ya rate what you ain’t got?

“hey, come review your shit” is a synopsis of a fairly common email we’ve all received lately…

…one thing the rona really increased (in addition to general panic, discourse, disinformation, and medical supply costs, etc, etc) was ecommerce sales. why leave the house and go somewhere when you can pay to get shit brought to you? and then once you get your shit, they want you to RATE your shit so others might buy the same shit from them.

the new “circle of life” – or “circle of commerce”?

moving on…i got one such email which i thought was a little weird…because i never got my shit.

i don’t buy cigars as much as i used to, but i also don’t smoke them as much as i used to. there’s a couple reasons – first off, i don’t live alone, and while the ufc says she doesn’t mind the smell of cigar smoke in the house, that’s what everybody says until it happens. most lay people can’t fathom how much smoke a single cigar emits.

also, as i’ve gotten older, my dental health has taken a steep decline. and i know cigar smoke ain’t chock full of vitamins and shit – so i gotta figure that, in my mouth, where all kinds of parts are exposed due to tooth decay that normally wouldn’t be, might be begging for the express lane to mouth cancer and i have, on numerous occasions, let it be known that if (when?) i get cancer there won’t be any chemo or radiation for me…i’ll fight it the 420 way, and see where it takes me.

that being said, a good deal is a good deal, and when i could get FIFTY acid cigarillos for less than fifty bucks, i ordered up! the problem was the website acted like it worked, then went right back to the previous screen. so i submitted a second time only for the same shit to happen. i took that as a sign that i didn’t really need these and moved on. but a few days later, when i did my random credit card check, i saw two matching charges from jr cigar.

i called them and they said they could try to cancel one charge, but since the orders were in process they might not be able to. that being said, if i got two sent to me, i could just return one for a full refund so i considered it a “no harm, no foul” situation. two days later, one of the charges dropped off.

two days after that, the second one did. and no product ever arrived, so i didn’t really sweat it.

but then, last week, i got this email:

how am i supposed to review shit you never sent me? granted, all my money was (quietly) refunded, but if you look at my order history you see it plain as day, just with no explanation like “item out of stock” or “fuck this kid”, just…

so, um, yeah…i got nothin’. literally. and as a result, my review will contain as much effort as your shipment did, so i can’t even type that sentence because that already dwarfs y’all’s efforts. try again!