statute of limitations exceeded! (a throwback)

what’s not mentioned in the bit because it was too soon after…

…but isn’t at this point. i sent a round over to em and watched em drink it. legitimately happened. it’s good to know your bartender well. keep reading and it’ll make sense.

07/01/2002: “party girls”

okay, so the other day when i was sacrificing my sanity to the cardio gods, i was watching crossfire on cnn. i prefer this over fox sports, which was the other option; and absent was my ultimate “make the time go by” viewing of the simpsons…bummer. so i got to look “educated” by getting sweaty, hair pulled back, glasses on, plodding away on an elliptical machine while watching cnn crossfire (no volume…you have to read closed captioning…which was really funny when they did the one on that nickelodeon show with gay parents..cause whenever anyone would say “fag”, the caption machine would pick up “flag” since it looks for the word closest to what was said if it’s not part of the captioning vocabulary file…”should we allow them to say “flag” in schools? isn’t that wrong? kinda prophetic given the pledge ruling last week, huh?). and the topic du jour? the bush girls…

yes, the not-quite-legal-to-drink twin daughters of the current president who always seem to find a place that won’t card them….look folks; i’m from austin, texas. i have been to “21 and up” clubs to celebrate a regular’s birthday only to find out that it was actually (we never told the owner) her sweet SIXTEEN!!! hell, i was getting into them at seventeen, and i can’t even use that “but i have tits” line that most of my readers can if they say the same thing about THEIR clubbing history. drinking by minors is just an acceptable part of austin nightlife…and tabc makes good money off it when they decide to. but the bottom line is, it happens. hell, even i’ve been drinking with the bush girls….

(okay, so i wasn’t “with” them per se, but i was in the same bar they were at and we WERE all drinking at the same time…it’s just i was drinking harder stuff…of course at this point, you have to realize that when i walked into my first sixth street club, they were all of six years old….FUCK i’m old…but i still turn heads at clubs, damn it, so leave me alone…where was i?)

and they were smoking cigarettes…….ooooo…..hey wait; only gotta be 18 to do that. where’s the scandal? i mean c’mon, they’ve all had their relative embarrassments…jfk had teddy; jimmy had billy; ronald had ron; bill had roger; and now gw has the twins…so, let me get this straight…the first daughters like to go out, hang with friends, drink a beer, smoke a camel, and their dad can’t stop them. this makes them different from lil’ miss lambda chi whatever HOW exactly? holy shit!!! the president and his family are normal people.

when you think about it, it’s a frat boy’s dream bar pick up….i mean, we all have our ultimate girl…even me; and NO, it’s not a stripper. (on the contrary; it’s a girl who stimulates my big head just as much as my not-as-big (but pierced) head (massive intelligence IS required to qualify, yes)…who could be my best friend, have awesome taste in pretty much everything, and would just happen to look good enough to where she COULD strip (and have a chest like she SHOULD strip) but is too modest to do so…unless i get her REALLY drunk and it’s just for me…and i HAVE found this girl, actually (though she’s never given me a lap dance, for the record)….i just need her to find her way back to me…but i digress…) i mean, every frat boy loves a girl who:

a. loves to party
b. has a dad with some clout

i mean, we KNOW they like to party; and dad just HAPPENS to be the most powerful man in the free world…talk about connections. and we know he’s ALL about the hook-up, ’cause that’s how he’s gotten every job he’s ever had. and i can honestly say that at least the dark-haired one is kinda cute in person. so, if a greek boy or two happens to read this page, you now know who your prime targets should be come fall.

make me proud, son…

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