more appropriate than i intended (a flashback)

has anyone here ever dated someone that they met on the internet?

it’s okay – you don’t need to show hands or anything. in this day and age, you’d be hard pressed to find ANYONE who hasn’t done time on some chat room or hook up site or something. sometimes you find great sex. or a good friend. or a total psycho. or a total psycho that you still keep around as a good friend (no names mentioned on any categories here). sometimes, or so i’ve heard, you find the love of your life.

but let’s play the numbers and look at what you USUALLY get.

okay, so if you go to meet the person and have never seen a picture, you get what you deserve – which typically ain’t pretty. amazing what YOU consider “height / weight proportionate” or “above average looks” compared to what the OTHER PERSON considers to fit those listings, huh? and who knew so many INCREDIBLY ugly folks were INCREDIBLY good at photoshop, huh?

the way i figure, if you’ve been lied to by someone about their appearance or aroma or whatever and you discover this on the first meeting, then you should feel no guilt if you decide to not call them afterwards. sure, it’s a little socially awkward to go from always IMing and chatting on the phone to NADA, but we must do what we must do.

now, if you think this would be difficult, there are other options – they hid a bit (like, two hundred pounds worth of “bit”, for example) so you can pretend you did too. you SEEMED sweet. you SEEMED kind. now it’s time to show your true colors, even if they’re not 100% true.

here’s a six pack of lines you can drop into conversation that will make it to where when you DON’T call again, they will be VERY okay with it…

1. next time i go to meet someone offline, remind me to get a pic that shows them BELOW the neck, okay?

2. DAMN!!! how many photo shop filters did you use, anyway?

3. you DID say height / weight proportionate online – were you eight feet tall when we started chatting and just shrunk to five six recently?

4. have you ever thought of auditioning for “the swan“?

5. did someone actually bullshit you into thinking that hair color looked NATURAL?

6. is it too late to meet that room mate of yours you said wouldn’t be as much my type as you?

okay, sorry – i just CAN’T stop at six. let’s try a few more…

7. girl, would you take the term “husky” offensively?

8. have you ever thought of modeling for “before” photo shoots for gyms and make-overs and such?

9. you take that “one size fits all” label as a personal dare, don’t you?

10. when you go braless don’t your knees get banged up?

okay, so at first i was trying to be non-gender specific, but reading back about six are straight chick shots – so just to show i can be a bit more balanced…

1. does the term “rogaine” mean anything to you?

2. you said your abs looked like a “six pack”, not a coors party ball

3. did your last girlfriend pick out that outfit so women wouldn’t hit on you?

4. is that a roll of dimes in your pocked or are you just glad to see me?

(given a dime’s diameter, if he takes this as a compliment, run even FURTHER away)