crips & caine – not the solution you think it is (a flashback)

so, there was no september 20th bit i could hit up for today…

…2003 has a gap from the 19th to the 23rd due to me not having writing time while working the second acl festival back then (but we gained plenty of material back then between eddie griffin and r.e.m.) and then 2002 had two from the 19th, which i decided was close enough.

first off there was this…

09/19/2002: “reason # 1,689 why i WILL go to hell”

it was wednesday at lunch. i was working all by my lonesome out of our downtown office when it happened. i had gone to lunch at schlotzsky’s deli on 6th and congress when an old feeling from my teenage years came back…the feeling of a rubber tire rubbing the back of my calf…just like the old bmx days, ya know? even came with the “sorry, bro…” apology. i turned to say it was okay, and it was a guy in a wheel chair.

no big deal. until i looked up.

there were TEN of them.

yep…TEN. in all colors, and ages, and shapes (the chairs AND their occupants, i mean). they swarmed into the joint like a group of bandito’s into a rural town’s sirloin stockade. all of a sudden, there was a rolling line of five at each register, and that took up the ENTIRE lobby area where you order. i don’t know why i found this odd, but i did. they were like a gang. “o.c.” – the ORIGINAL crips. i am SO going to hell for that one, aren’t i?

they were organized, too. two of them handed off their orders and went to prep the chow zone…rolling around with that electric hum, circling the dining area like motorized vultures as they shoved and bumped tables into tables to create one super-duper-handi-table.

the funniest look was from the samaritan kid that helped me. he had JUST rang me up, when the first one, who rolled in solo (i guess he was the “scout”) came up and asked if they had sandwiches. at schlotzsky’s. go figure. he then said he liked his COLD. “no problem”, the kid replied, and asked if he liked turkey. when he got a positive response, the kid went out from behind their counter to their deli case and retrieved one for him to save him the trip. “thanks”, the guy replied, paid, and gave this nod towards the door. THAT’S when it flew open and they all rolled in, most of them heading his way. an “oh shit” look crossed his face as he realized his courteous gesture would need to be repeated. a LOT.

i only wonder…if they ARE some sort of gang, what is their initiation like?

and then, without explanation of why i did two, there was this:

09/19/2002: “why i think of all of you when i’m in extreme pain…”

there was a show a few years back starring harry anderson (of night court fame) called dave’s world. in it, he played a character loosely based on newspaper columnist (and writer of the show) dave barry. as things would unfold in his day to day existence, you would here his voice narrating the scene as it would later appear in his column. so here’s MY problem. i do that now too. ALL the damn time. everything in my world comes down to one simple theme in my brain…

“how will this look on the whore? what will my angle be?”

sad, huh? ’cause dave barry gets PAID for his shit. see that “.org” at the end of my url? i DON’T.

it even creeps into my subconscious when i’m high…which today would be at dr. burton’s, where they had to novacaine me up THREE times before they could work on some molars, and i could STILL feel it. but i said, “fuck it…i can take it. keep going”. they gave me a ‘script for vicatin just in case. i’m saving THAT for a weekend recreational thing. but even when i was novacained and nitroused to hell (and i REALLY freaked him out…i made him SHOW me the needle. he said, “you DON’T want to see it”, and i said, “dr. burton…i have more piercings and tattoos than all four of your sons COMBINED. i’m NOT scared of needles….SHOW ME THE NEEDLE!!!” (jerry mcguire flashback, right?) he did. that thing is pretty fucking big. he even showed me with his finger how much of it goes into your gum. pretty fucking much. and after three hits of THAT, i was still feeling it? it was just FATE that i was still feeling it), i was thinking…what kind of whore bit can i get out of this? and then it hit me….pain.

not that i was FEELING pain at the time. far from. i could barely feel a DAMN thing. but i noticed that if anything TOUCHED me, like when his elbow would hit my chest or something, it would ECHO. like i could see his hand away from me, but i could still feel it over and over again…which i why i tend to keep my eyes shut. it helps keep up the illusion. but then i realized…if the slightest brush feels like THAT, picture how it REALLY feels in your mouth when it hurts. when you actually FEEL the pain. your whole central nervous system is more stoned than cheech & chong’s personal weed tester, and now you feel PAIN? even if it’s only slight, imagine how bad it REALLY is.

i was thinking about it…if i can feel the slightest touch times fifty on my chest (where there’s NO novacaine) the fact that i can feel pain in my teeth (after just as much gas and three shots of the good stuff) must mean i am in EXTREME pain right now, i’m just too doped up to care…


then you know what goes through my head? seriously? school house rock jingles. remember those from when we were kids? same cartoon songs, but looped and sampled over drum and bass beats…not that i’ve EVER heard them that way, it’s just what goes through my head. that, and how to turn my interpretation of dental masking of pain into a good bit for you people to read. when i’m in blinding pain, i think of all of you. what does that say?

now, how many of you want me to drop some vicatin and write a REALLY interesting piece on here this weekend?

Replies: 2 Comments

Hey, if it makes you feel more international….I’m not from Texas, I’ve never been to Texas. I found you through Astrofish (who I discovered then lost on Astronet, then found again).

I like your writing. I log on everyday for a laugh and for a little insight. I got my passport last year so maybe I’ll make it to Texas one of these days….(that last bit was more for Bubba-Kramer than for you – I don’t know where you stand on the kingdom of Texas…)

samgirlLA said @ 09/20/2002 07:48 PM GMT

I’m just a bill, yes, I’m only a bill… and I’m sittin’ here on Capitol Hill…..Conjunction Junction, What’s your function? Hookin’ up words and phrases and clauses……

Ahh… memories! I found you a couple of months ago and you’re my daily dose of fun! Thanks! I lived in Texas for 10 years (Waco for 4 and DFW for almost 6 )and am really missing it now. So, now I read you to keep up with TortillaVille. Hope your Friday is great!

As far as the Vicoden…. I’d much rather have the Nitrous!

MC said @ 09/20/2002 01:32 PM GMT

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