a (somewhat) forged letter (but a real flashback)

…my OTHER best friend.

(okay, so i didn’t write this one…it was sent to me. it’s still good shit…)

remember when i used to put shit on here that other people had sent to me and add my own comments? yeah, well, this is one of those (2018 update – my comments are in bold)…and the person that sent it i’ve known for a few years, she’s smokingly hot, amazingly cool, and puberty was really, really, REALLY kind to her if you know what i’m saying and i think you do (i.e. amazing tits – sue me, i’ve been drinking tonight…)

enjoy!!!

Dear Alcohol

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. ain’t that the truth… My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holiday’s hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity Takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

bitch should have changed her number if she wanted to avoid this…

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

(you know this isn’t me – for me it’s all about the domino’s & knobb creek…)

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

(surprisingly i’m more coordinated – what is god trying to tell me??? was i supposed to be born in kentucky??? or just marry someone from there???)

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

(now you know i’m forwarding something – i must state, for the record, i can only recall four hangovers in seven years of hard, consistent drinking – the night i tried to make a 44 oz rum & coke with 151, the night i got drunk with jen after we had split up but she was over here watching movies and we were just friends and nothing more (meant in a good way), and the last two b-day bar-b-ques not including the most recent one (i.e. when i missed a happy ending, no names mentioned, and when i made us late for a vegas flight) – this is not a NORMAL thing for me…)

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

(actually, i think i can do those)

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

(those are a bit more of a challenge, but i still think i can hang…)

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex. (said that more than once)
2. Nope, no more beer for me. (don’t drink beer)
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type. (i.e. can’t verify the age)
4. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing (that only happened once, and kathi and JAB are sworn to secrecy…right?!?!?!?)