iOS III – and you say you’re just a friend, oh baby yooooouuuu

you know what’s scary?

i think back when this was written, while i was clearly venting i also kinda saw this as “community service”. not that i needed to do such things – then or now – for legal reasons. i just felt, at the time, that when you have a mic at your disposal (as it were) and people are willing (even enjoying) listening to you then occasionally you need to use it for the greater good.

then i saw a particularly preachy set by a great comedian (he’s a friend, so i won’t mention his name) and thought half way through it (and keep in mind, i consider him a friend i enjoy chatting about serious as well as funny shit with), “fuck this – they paid to see you be funny, just fucking be funny”.

and while you don’t PAY for this site i still feel just being funny has it’s place in the public service spectrum. i’m supposed to be cleaning as i type this, but i find that the entertainment of writing for you people (yes, i said “you people”) is helping to center me…

…plus, i’m lazy as fuck.

but entertainment, as a mental escape, is a public service, too. and in line with that, i present…

05/31/2002: “this friendship brought to you by the good folks at Kellogg’s”

i just saw one of the funniest film shorts i think i’ve ever seen. it was called “office party” and while it was copywritten in 2000, it was set in the 80’s so accurately that it even had one of the lead roles played by the never aging, slightly-mulletted ralph machio. i would have thought it WAS from the 80’s, except it had jon stewart and dave attelle (the hosts of the daily show and insomniac, respectively, on comedy central). but it wasn’t on comedy central, it was on one of my FAVORITE cable networks….hbo comedy.

hbo comedy…the SHIT in my opinion. nothing but funny movies, and stand-up comedians. (speaking of, george lopez is gonna be at the paramount on july 26th, and i think i’m gonna try and fill an opera box with folk – any takers?) i’ve noticed a lot of comedic routines focus on friends; or more to the point, TYPES of friends.

your “slutty” friend.
your “broke-ass” friend.
your “fat-but-dresses-like-they’re-all-that” friend.
your “fag-hag” friend.
your “bible-thumping” friend.

but what about one of the most ANNOYING friends of all? your FLAKY friend? you know the one i’m talking about; we ALL have one. or more. and if you can’t think of one in your lil’ peer group, then it’s probably you. the one that if you even bother to still entertain the thought of setting aside an evening for them, if something ELSE pops up, you jump it….’cause you know as long as you CALL when you say you would, and don’t let them know that you’ve moved on to plan “b”, you’re all good in their eyes. an illustration…

(NOT based on real-life events…)



(you can’t see my fingers crossed behind my back, can you?)

6:45…the promised call time….you dial up your cell and slap on the headset…they answer (this is on the off chance they don’t pull the usual, DUCK the call, and talk about how they’re phone was “messed up” so you had to leave them voicemail)

“hey…was just calling like i said i would. now, the movie starts at 9:15, so i figured i’d get you around 8:30 or so…cool?”
“well, i was JUST about to call you actually….”
“why? what’s up?”

(you pull the door shut so they can’t hear the laughter and crowd noise of the group of sorority girls walking by your car and onto the patio of the mexican restaurant that you JUST walked out of three rounds deep into happy hour with the crew from work using the excuse you had to “get something from your car”)

“well, i’ve just had one of THOSE days, and i’m not really feeling social, so i think i’m just gonna veg on the couch in the dark for a while and watch tv…i haven’t taken a shower or anything…”
“but, i just talked to you, like, two hours ago and all was well, and we had plans, and i thought….”

(your voice trails off as you realize that what you’re saying COULD pull this person back from the “flake-out” border and then your liquored-up ass, in NO condition to drive, has to leave the group from the office, AND the hottie, halter-topped blondes that just sat down at the patio table next to yours (that were giggling and smiling at you as they walked by your car at the start of this phone fiasco) to go get this person and go through with plan “a”, which was really plan “c” all along. but then the tequila in your brain subsides, reality kicks in, and you realize that the odds of the flake are still good. DAMN good. why would this person break precedent now? these odds are better than ANYTHING in vegas – even the odds of scoring with kimberly, the porn star in training, by the fifth date. fuck you – i’m putting $20 on the bail-out)

“well, it’s just…i thought…(now THEIR voice trails off as they search their head for an excuse, and after finding none, and remembering that since you NEVER asked for one before, they figure you won’t push for one now; so instead they just throw down the standard…) i’ll REALLY make it up to you. what are your plans for this weekend? have some free time?”

(you can owe me the $20)

“actually, saturday is free…i’ll call you.”

again, never mind that when you call, you’ll be in your car, in another parking lot, but this time it’ll be in the parking lot of water street oyster bar in corpus christi, since you know you have plans to spend that weekend on the coast with the redheaded stripper you met at the party last weekend and her very fetching, blonde, “friend” (/room mate/girlfriend..but she doesn’t know that YOU know) since you all have been feeling a little “stressed out” and could “use some time away”. hehehe. it doesn’t’ll call, they’ll bail, and they’ll hang up thinking you’re some loser at home and then the next morning you’re trying to figure out who’s thong is who’s as you pick up the bedroom floor of the condo before going to watch/join the shower show going on in the bathroom.

sometimes being a “loser” can be fun, huh? so why are they still in the phone directory of our mobile?

simple…because on the odd occasion we call, have NOTHING to do (and don’t care if we do or not) and something happens, they can be fun. it’s just like christina aguilera.

when i worked at sundance records in san marcos, i got in a world of shit one time because of christina aguilera. it wasn’t because i said she was hot. we ALL agreed on that. it was because i said she was good.

i did NOT say she was the “poet laureate” of her generation.
i did NOT say she had “a lot of political messages”
i did NOT even go so far as to HINT she wrote her own shit.

i said she was good. plain and simple.

if you take her for what she is (bubblegum pop meant to be catchy and entertain her target audience all wrapped up in a slick wrapper that included an attractive girl that guys would want to be with and girls would want to be like) then she accomplished her mission. and that’s why we have the flaky friend. when they’re around, they’re fun. and when they’re NOT…well….it’s kinda expected. but since you KNOW their role in your bug picture, you don’t hassle it.

now, which kind of friend do you think YOU are?

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