please keep it in the bathroom (a sixer request)

sadly, the phrase “a sixer request” is almost a sick pun here…

…but what are you gonna do.

slight secret about my past (and i say “slight” ’cause i’m sure i’ve mentioned it) – i used to date a karaoke chick. i don’t mean somebody who would occasionally get a wild hair and want to go do karaoke, like the girl i went with the other night. i mean somebody who knew, even back then (1996) who was hosting karaoke where on any given night in austin, texas. and she knew that if we went we’d meet up with “x” number of people she knew who were part of this roaming pack. they knew the hosts, they knew the bars, hell they even knew the numbers most of us “mortals” have to look up in the books for songs – they would take requests (no bullshit) and when somebody would shout “every rose has it’s thorn!!!” they would turn from the stage, with no book in hand, to the host(ess) and say “U4567” or whatever.

that’s effin’ creepy.

what’s sad was not all of them were any good. truth be told, most of them were far from. the girl i was actually dating at the time, tanya, has a tremendous voice. i say “has” instead of “had” because despite all the drinking and smoking she still does, thirteen years later. hell, she’s even in my iTunes. most of the other passionate tribe? not so much…

(now you get the sick pun in the “…request” part of the title – as for the “keep it in the bathroom” part, most people think they can sing due to the magical acoustics of the shower…but when you have to explain a joke in this kind of detail it takes away the funny, no?)

but talent or no talent, certain songs belong either to the original artists OR banished to our musical pasts – period. certain memories just don’t need to be re-lived through song. in fact, in writing this, so fucking many came to mind i had to amend the title. so, with that in mind, i give you…

six songs (or song groups) that should be banned from karaoke nights forever

6. lilith fair fodder – tori, sarah, natalie, paula, and alanis, et al…whatever song you used to cut yourself to in high school or college on repeat when (insert name of boy or girl you were crushing on at the time) would upset you does NOT need to be purged from the bad part of your brain while i’m drinking.

5. disco – one word says it all. just ’cause it’s got a beat and you can shake your ass to it doesn’t mean it needs to be sung along to. on a crowded dance floor with the sound system out blaring you? perhaps…with a mic in your hand? not so much. the ’70’s were a bad time for fashion, music, movies, etc, etc…let’s all let them go, okay?

4. freebird or hotel california – the same can be said for ANY classic rock opus that tops out over five minutes long. once you hit the five minute mark, you attain what i call the “third flight of stairs”. allow me to explain – if you see somebody tumble down ONE flight of stairs, it’s pretty funny, and you’re slightly concerned about their safety and well-being. if they do TWO flights it’s still KINDA funny, but you now cross the line where your concerns eclipse the funny…

…by the third flight it’s no longer funny at all – just kinda sad and pathetic. “she got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she call friends…”. check please.

3. bohemian rhapsody – look – freddy mercury has a phenomenal voice. you, by comparison, do not. some queen works – some doesn’t. audience participation faves like “we will rock you” are also to be avoided, but don’t even THINK about bohemian…

2. tweeny-bop – if you’re old enough to get in the bar, you’re too fucking old to sing songs charted by the fifteen-year old daughter of some rock icon from the eighties. period.

1. grease – again, one word sums it up. if one more person tries to get the crowd around me to shout “wella, wella, wella, UH” one more fucking time i will NOT be held responsible for my actions!