i did a mex-i-can bar-b-que

i’m glad i’m not in tea-uh-juana…

…eating bar-b-qued iguana. and not ’cause i’m a reptile owner. everybody does that – “you CAN’T eat reptiles – you own snakes. they’re both reptiles!” bullshit! dogs are mammals – hell even PEOPLE are mammals! but we still eat cow, pig, and lamb – which are all mammals. so fuck that, i’d eat bar-b-qued iguana even though it’s a reptile. i’ve never owned an iguana – there would be no emotional attachment. but i would NOT eat it in tiajuana, because this last weekend taught me something – well done to me (and shane, and kramer, and i’m sure a few of you others) is still undercooked to the majority of the mexican population.

that’s just nasty.

couple that with my no-kid-having-ass getting stuck outside with just me and NINE kids between the ages of four and fourteen and they had to buy me beer. had we not been in texas they would have had to buy me something MUCH stronger.

(for the record benita’s four were cool, but some of the others got on my last nerve as you’ll read below)

i was also the only white person there, but that for some reason didn’t phase me at all.

the weekend started with me (over the phone) hearing benita tell her sub-teen daughter “you want to fight that girl at lunch, which means you won’t get to eat – so eat your breakfast or you’ll be starving by after school…” and then it ended with a bar-b-que where i did all the cooking.

(for all curious, she proceeded to eat her breakfast…and kick that other girl’s ass during lunch. ah, childhood memories…)

so, i wrote (only slightly ripping off a children’s classic) a little bit about it we’ll call…

burnt meat and tweens

i quite do like
that sean is mean
but do i like burnt meat and tweens?
i do not like them
or so i fear
for reasons that
shall soon seem clear

first girl who spoke claimed to be bi
dressed like a tramp
liked a.f.i.
she spouted limericks
as if scribed by the flooze
about vodka, wine
and other booze
i bit my lip, just for a bit
but could take no more
of her annoying shit

“kissing a girl friend
on a dare or a dream
does not switch you
to another team

and the stockings and heels
pigtails and dress
just make you look
like a goth mall mess

there’s no school in the world
where that would pass
so cover up
that pasty ass

booze talk at your age
is just sad, dull drool
and all shit i heard
when in high school

your look and your act
and your style was all fine
back when curfew chicks rocked it
in 1989

in closing, little girl
you just make me sick
so take your sad ass
back to hot topic!”

before we go on
let’s talk about the food
i’ll say this –
at least they weren’t rude

i love me some steak
and hot latin chicks
but there’s two things i like
them both to bring to the mix

brown on the outside
pink on the in
is what it takes
to make this white boy grin

but apparently the mexicans
have a different grill goal
you gotta cook the meat
till it looks like charcoal

fuck all the flavor
fuck all the taste
fuck me, where i stand
that’s such a fucking waste

so back to the next kid
tough boy in the pack
said if i crossed him
he’d never look back

knee me in the balls
run as fast as he can
“then whatcha gonna do,
you bald headed old man?”

i smiled very slightly
looked him dead in the eye
and said very calmly
without a yell or a sigh…

“there’s miles of bridge
over the weeziana bayou
with you knocked out in my trunk,
here’s just what i would do…

…drive out and pull over
late into the night
wake your tied-up ass up
to see your look of fright

stuff your cargo pockets
with raw meat and dead foul
dump you in the water
to feed the gators and owl

within an hour or two
there’d be nary a trace
of your annoying attitude
and even more annoying face…”

…he turned pale and sweaty
and i said with a grin
“i gotta full tank of gas,
so ask that again”

he got pretty quiet
and that he did stay
as did the rest of the brats
for the rest of the day…

so for the record
let it be heard
and be seen
that i do not like
burnt meat and tweens
i do not like them over here
i do not like them over there
i do not like them
anywhere
i do not like burnt meat and tweens
for put the two together
and sean gets mean

(the cruelty in this one inspired by JMS – happy b-day, bud! what, did you think i’d forget?)