the most expensive blow job ever? (the xxx remix)

sorry this went up late…

…blame it on a big bar tab in SA combined with only a couple hours of sleep and shitty wireless reception. we’ll leave it at that. typical triple threat, eh?

so what’s up with the five billion dollar blow job?

(and no, it’s not a lawsuit against me ’cause i have piercings that would chip teeth during such activity…)

i have a co-worker (who’s brakes i helped do on saturday and have a slight shiner to show for it, but never mind that now) who reads a shit load of news at the office in the morning and he read a headline the other day that was guaranteed to end up here…

“adult film industry asks for congressional bail out money as well!”

at least they’re only looking for FIVE billion (odd to put “only” in front of that given how low my bank balance is, i admit – but it’s low compared to, say, the automotive industry figure) while i figured this had to be here, i wasn’t sure how to approach it – do i do a sunday sixer on other industries that were more worthy? less worthy? where to go, where to go…

then it hit me – how the fuck (pardon the pun) do they spend the money? not that they’ll get it, but better safe than sorry i suppose…

how the porn industry should use their bail out money (should they actually get it)

6. production value – seriously. decent camera work. real writers if you’re actually going to make a “real” movie…if it’s gonna be a straight get to business (i.e. all a about the fucking) kinda flick, don’t even try – just have ’em go at it. and stop ripping off normal titles (“much ado about humping”, “star whores”, etc) – show a little creativity for fuck’s sake.

5. beautiful people – with all the amateur crap out there, we see plenty of average to below average people naked online. that’s not always a good thing. you need to try and seperate yourself from that crowd and get me someone i’d actually LIKE to see nude – otherwise where’s my motivation not to just go online and see it for free? isn’t that what’s killing your industry either way? use some big bucks and lure some of these already kinda slutty (lohan, hilton, et al) girls over to the dark side.

4. marketing to the mainstream – part of the porn experience few relish (which is part of why the internet is doing so well) is that folks ain’t PROUD of their tastes in adult material, or for that matter, the fact they view it at all. maybe if we made them look a bit more mainstream, or had some stores without the stigma (i.e. no viewing booths, secret rooms, etc) to where we don’t feel we should be walking in wearing an old school trench coat and sunglasses and praying we don’t see someone we know. i’m just sayin’…

3. start your own on-demand cable network – i think there’s something like this already out there, but i bet it can be improved on. want us to give YOU the money instead of that free internet crap? earn it – put it on the bigger screen. for that matter…

2. bring back the theater system – the years after “nipplegate” (the janet jackson superbowl thing) have been sad and pathetic. the average american isn’t THAT upset by nudity – i promise. put somebody naked AND using racial slurs, that could do it. but in this day and age? bet the megaplex o’ porn could do well (not a reference to the actual adult video “megaplex” chain, which again is just video rentals and shit) – just buy up some of those older theaters with only four or fewer screens and make it happen!

and finally…

1. if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em – go online, get some sites up, and drop your prices…make your money off banner ads and such. hell, yahoo and gmail accounts are free and get hella traffic – use that money to build some killer sites and take it back from the amateurs…you’re pros, for god’s sake – act like it! does netflix do porno? if not, can i negotiate that contract?