get in the truck, bitch

the rain has been coming down in central texas, but it’s not hitting hard enough to stop the search for love.

…or, probably more accurately, the search for pussy.

…or, perhaps just citizenship.

allow me to explain.

most men i know do not realize that nine out of ten women not only want a guy that looks good and has his shit together (or, at the very least, the potential and / or bank roll to GET his shit together) but also one that might have a bit of a future. one that might not be going places, but that’s meant in the “not climbing the ladder, but not hitting rock bottom” sense of the phrase. stable, or moving up. bottom feeders need not apply.

men don’t care when it comes to women.

i work with a guy that has gained fifteen pounds in the last six weeks. did he need to? no. is it the result of a rigorous work out regiment in a quest for political domination because of where schwartzenegger now is? hardly. it’s because at least three times a week, every week, for the last six weeks, he has eaten at mcdonald’s. and gotten enough food to stay there a while. and his big mac tolerance is increasing.

why?

because there’s this girl that works there that he thinks is THE supreme latina queen.

now i can relate to this. i love me some latina women. well, okay…one in particular. and she lives with me, so i don’t have to super size (in more ways than one) to keep things going. i just have to go home. and perhaps it’s my recently acquired domestic bliss that has helped influence his decision. never mind the fact that this girl works the counter at a mickey d’s and is the somewhat proud mother of two at the age of seventeen. she’s pretty hot – and that has my friend by the short and curlys without him even having a phone number after SIX WEEKS.

aren’t obsessive computer geeks fun?

now, would a woman hit on a guy behind the counter of a mcdonald’s? honestly?

hell no!!!

(and note – i did say WOMAN not GIRL – so teenagers don’t count)

if a guy jockeying a food counter were to hit on a female he would get the polite (or perhaps not so) equivalent of, “just get me my fries and shut the fuck up, loser…”

but a guy wouldn’t care…as long as the ass (or tits, or legs, or whatever he’s into) looked good.

which brings me back to my wet commute to work yesterday. there i was, at a light, and i’m in the position that i’ve heard a couple comedians describe as “awkward” – which is very accurate. i was behind a loaded landscape company truck…

…and i don’t mean loaded with equipment. well, that, too. but more so with workers. and one of them was smiling. and winking.

now someone has to die.

but then i realized (thank christ) it wasn’t at me – it was at the girl in the miata next to me. she was alone. white. tanned. blonde. fairly hot. and the lawn jockey had noticed. so now, he was flirting. smiling. winking. you could tell he was fighting the urge to make tongue gestures. but we were NOT in a bar. we were at the corner of i35 and east 7th. let’s look at his chances of “getting some” (that being dinner, ass, or a valid social security number), shall we? on a scale of one to ten, staring with a zero for the base line…

male, breathing: +1
under 40, not balding: +2
exercises regularly
(i.e. works outdoors): +2
healthy teeth, tan: +1
in a truck with calvin peeing
on ‘la migra’: -2
ranks low enough to not be
able to ride INSIDE the truck:-5

and we’re back below zero. and we could go on about the negatives without too many positives creeping back in. that means that lance j. steinburg of la crosse wisconsin has a better chance of winning the texas lotto WITHOUT buying a ticket than this guy does of scoring…

…and yet he persists. in the rain, which i feel lowers his chances even FURTHER. ladies, am i wrong? most austin women don’t get to vote on this – how many unemployed losers live for free with one of you because they’ve convinced you their band WILL make it to ozzfest 2008? with bullshitting skills like that they need to come to work where i work and sell computers and make some real money NOW.

the backroom will still be there. (2026 note – it closed about a year and a half later – rip)

and what happen to the guy who was trying to pick up la gringa calliente while living la vida john deere?

(i would like to apologize to all latin people, especially my current girlfriend / future wife for the abject slaughtering of their native tongue on that last line)

well, the light changed, and off they went on their separate ways. i’m sure the woman was thankful. and i’m sure the guy found someone else at the next traffic hiccup (of which austin has many). but if the genders had been reversed? and the girl had been cute? had been cute, yet still, for some inexplicable reason, had been in the back of the truck? perhaps sunning herself in a bikini top and cutoffs? and the guy alone in the miata had been straight? (what single guy drives a miata AND gets pussy? i mean, seriously…) if ALL the planets aligned to that extreme (kramer – what the fuck are THOSE chances?)

there would have been a guy in a gay car late to work. and a business card in some tight cut off shorts. no question.

think we can designate a day where you women think like us so guys like him can catch a break? and what would we call it? charity nookie day?

Replies: 3 Comments

There will NOT be a “charity nookie day.”
Though most of you men may not realize it, most of us women have given up far more than our fair share of “charity nookie.”
Am I wrong, girls?

kathi said @ 11/30/2004 09:39 PM CST

yeah, like me telling a story about a hot girl that latin guys hit on and she just happens to drive a MIATA is all coincidence or something…

sean said @ 11/19/2004 03:53 PM CST

Hey easy on the miata.

ME said @ 11/19/2004 01:51 PM CST