not a dark day after all…

the good, the bad, and the ugly: yep, that about sums it up…

and that was just the people on sunday.

we’ll talk about the rest of the weekend later. maybe. oh hell, it’s a simple story:

get off work friday, go meet shane & leah & jenny at baby a’s, drink copious amounts of purple lethal booze, wake-up saturday, clean, go hang at harold’s tattoo joint, have dinner, go home, the end.

but then came sunday…

it was all about laundry, spring cleaning, and the damn yard. the latter was the most difficult, because during the “off season” in yard care land, my mower was “liberated” from my garage. i hope it enjoys its freedom. the joke is on the thieves, actually…the thing wouldn’t start up for MONTHS before it was jacked.

but when my buddy lance called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me (note: not ask – tell) that he was putting a sign in my yard (he’s running for city council), i asked him, “hey – while you’re there, can i borrow your mower? or do you want it to look like you’re trying to score the white trash demo with my ratty-ass yard?”. he said he’d not only get the mower, he’d mow the grass.

that was on tuesday of last week.

tuesday night, i had a sign in my yard. my ratty-ass yard.

same for wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday. councilman? hello? already making promises we don’t deliver? not a way to score a vote, boy…

so, when i was awakened on sunday morning (’round 11:30 or so, so he wasn’t being rude about it or anything) by the doorbell, and gentleman 75% of my height, but 150% of my width offered to cut my grass for $15, i thought of it as a bargain. this lead to the big three of my afternoon – relationship depression, shooting an nra member, and the heb triple threat.

allow me to explain…

first off, the r.d. (for short) – when the man that was 75% my height (and 150% my width) was done with my yard (which took him twice as long as it takes me, but look at the body dimension differences), i paid him his $15 (plus a $3 tip) he said, ” if you want me to do this again, just give me a call…i live at [a very scary, super cheap lockhart motel], room 221 – if i’m not there, just tell my girlfriend the address and i’ll get back over here asap…”

WAIT a damn minute – i can find NO ONE who wants to hook up with me and this lawn (mowing) gnome has a GIRLFRIEND? okay, that just sucks…

so, i was drinking that off (just kidding) when i heard a noise out in the garage (which, in truth, is a open on two sides car port). the dogs start barking. i hear a guy mumbling. “thank god i live in texas where i can shoot someone just for getting on my property without permission”, i think to myself. as i spring off the couch to head to the bedroom the schmuck rings my doorbell…

“hey – how much for the black one with the stripper on it?”, he asks holding up one of my shirts.
“man, my dog ate my dryer – i’m just hanging them to dry outside, i’m not having a garage sale…”, i reply.
“brother, you ought not tease us lie ‘kat” he shot back, handed me my shirt (which was dry, and thankfully chawin’ tobacee stain free) and walked off.

i bet that’s not the last time the new redneck neighbors make it onto the page; but anyway…

the heb triple threat was the longest grilling experience i’ve had in a loooooooooong time. i went to heb and bought dead animals to throw on the grill. when i got home i realized that the dogs in on their destructo tour 2004 last week shredded my bag of matchlight charcoal, so it was toast and unusable. so, back to heb i went to buy charcoal. when i got back from trip number two, i built a small charcoal pile, surrounded it with mesquite, and got to smoking tenderloins like it was twig and i was just off probation. but i soon discovered the small amount of wood chips left was not enough to do the job, so off i went to heb…again.

trip three of the day.

and all with the same girl checking me out.

on the last trip the girl looked me up and down and said, “if you wanna ask me out, you don’t need to keep coming back…but i gotta tell you, i do have a boyfriend, so i can’t do it…”. i looked at her. ever heard the ac/dc song whole lotta rosie?. she was latina. that was a plus.

that was her ONLY plus.

easily under 5’2″. easily over 225 lbs. and this woman has a boyfriend? i’m still single and THIS woman gets it on a regular basis? that is SO uncool.

and then, it occurred to me…

…i think i found my lawn guy’s chick.

Replies: 3 Comments

“She ain’t exactly pretty
Ain’t exactly small
Forty-two, thirty-nine, fifty-six
You could say she’s got it all”

“Whole Lotta Rosie” – AC / DC (1977)

sean said @ 03/29/2004 05:24 PM CST

no shame sean, no shame!!

transamdan said @ 03/29/2004 05:12 PM CST

THAT WAS FUNNY! SINFIELD’ish BUT FUNNY!

ME said @ 03/29/2004 04:58 PM CST