BTU’s

so, now i’m at josh’s watching the married with children reunion. classic. why am i here? two reasons, really…one; josh and i are friends. we hang out. and the tivo he has worked nicely for the simpson’s 300th episode i almost missed. but there’s more. see, the gas bill came due while i was in colorado, and i forgot about it. and in the winter, the gas company DOESN’T fuck around. so with no disconnect notice ever sent, they disconnected me. and i found out when i tried to take a shower on friday morning, and the water never, EVER warmed up. very much not fun. but more over, there’s also no heat. on friday, not a problem. on saturday, not quite a problem. by the time the sun came up on sunday? BIG problem…

when i left my house to head off to the movies (and subsequently dinner) it was only 58 degrees INSIDE. not cool. okay, actually VERY cool. but not in a cool way. so, i hopped over here to stay thawed a bit longer. before you wave the deadbeat flag, understand that the bill HAS been paid. but i couldn’t be there on friday, nor could anybody else, so even though my balance is $0, there was nobody there to make sure the house didn’t explode when the gas was fired back up, so they wouldn’t turn it on. and when you’re feeling under the weather, a cold house doesn’t help things. this is when an expression that just slipped out of me one day came to mind…”maybe we can just get a homeless person and set them on fire for warmth…”

i SO need a homeless person.

see, the way i look at it, homeless people are always looking for two things…money and warmth. and if they’ll let people pay them to beat the hell out of each other, why can’t i pay one to let me set them on fire? i mean, that way they get money AND warmth. plus, they DO tend to wear layer upon layer of clothing, so they could probably burn a good half hour or so before they actually felt anything. on top of that, most of them are well liquored up, so there’s always the chance they won’t feel anything anyway. and if you do burn down “to the core”, as it were, with the blood alcohol level being so flammable, they’ll probably burn way hot for way long. one could probably get me through a weekend easily…and it helps eliminate the homeless problem, even if it IS in a warped way. although come to think of it, all i have to do is promise to pay them afterwards, and it won’t even cost me a dime. hell, EVERYBODY wins. i mean, at least they got warmth, right? they went one for two. that’s not half bad. wait…i guess numerically, it kind of is. my bad.

keep in mind, the above paragraph is written in the medium of satire. i do not support, endorse, encourage, or condone the incineration of the residentially impaired, be it for home warmth, s’mores, or shit’s and giggles. that being said, it is one funny-assed bit, isn’t it?

Replies: 2 Comments

You know, you could tweak the nitrogen content of their blood a little bit by having them swim on the bottom of Barton Springs until they started to get the bends, then lit them with a match, and “BANG”–cheaper than firecrackers.

dynamite said @ 02/19/2003 08:06 PM CST

hell, there’s a comedian who suggested killing the homeless. Give them a deadline to find a job and if they didn’t *bang*.

topenga said @ 02/19/2003 10:06 AM CST