a couple more priest tales (not as much fun as tail in catholic school girl skirts, but never mind that now…)

here are a couple of things that were SUPPOSED to be in that ‘jude s…’ piece, but i forgot; it happens…but here they are, typed up fresh on a sunday morning for your worshiping pleasure. now, bow down before the one you serve…and while you ARE down on your knees there, grab me that quarter off to your left; i need to go get a pepsi or something. damn purple margaritas. but i’ll talk about THAT night a bit later…

a. so, this REALLY drunk, skinny, biker looking cracker comes up and wants a ticket, so he asks junior, ‘how much?’ to which junior replies, ‘$33.00′. as to be expected, the guy repeats the price back, and junior reiterates his point. the guy then lets out this little, short, loud, drunk-sounding, “WHOOO” (yep/howl/scream kinda noise that can not be done justice in text form). junior kinda flinched. i didn’t (it takes a LOT to make me flinch at a door; and if i can tell you’ll annoy me, i’ll stone face you and show no emotion at all JUST to make you go away….) then the guy BUYS his ticket, gets his change, looks at the ticket, back at junior, then the ticket, then back at junior, then let out a longer, LOUDER version of the “whoooEEEEEEE’ noise. again, nothing from me. he then looks at the two of us and says, “you two need to………agitate.” to which i replied, “agitate? do you even know what that word MEANS? why would we need to agitate? you need your ass kicked or something? or is that a laundry statement?” now HE was the one delivering a blank stare. a total ‘i can see your lips are moving but i don’t understand a THING you just said’ kinda stare. he silently walked away, only to turn around and start dry-humping the air in the direction of meagan, one of the promoters (who admittedly IS pretty damn attractive). she said THAT was the funniest thing she had seen all day…

b. it was bound to happen, as much as i run around, but i didn’t expect it at 1:00 am on a saturday on my way home from the judas priest show. i stopped in at wal-mart to get food and stuff for the dogs. when i got out of the car, as i was walking towards the store, i hit the button on the remote to lock the car. i did this right as i was passing the front end of an explorer and i kinda brushed the bumper. the alarm starts wailing…two guys just hanging out in the lot by their trucks drinking (???) a few spaces away start laughing (i didn’t flinch at this either, ’cause at this point i was too tired for ANYTHING to make me flinch…) “can you believe that shit?”, i exclaimed, “i BARELY brushed the bumper…” “you DID?”, the guy yelled back (keep in mind, the alarm is still going off at this point), “i didn’t even see the thing move”. i turn to face the black ford, point MY remote at it, and yell, “SHUT UP!!!” and hit the button. it did. TOTALLY silent. the guys just looked at me in awe. i hit the button again, and the alarm started wailing again. hit it a third time and it shut up. “pretty fucking cool”, i said, repeating the process briefly a third time. “you know what you should do?”, one of the parking lot ‘necks said, “you should wait for that ol’ sumbitch that drives this to come out, and fuck with that while he’s trying to load his shit!!!” (he barely got out the word, “shit”, before bursting into hysterics.) “i would”, i replied, “but i’m tired, and i just need to get some stuff for my dogs”, and i walked off. i came back out later and the parking lot drinking crew and the explorer were STILL there. without a word i loaded the car, fired it up, and started to drive away…i stopped about five spaces away, reached down to my ignition and rolled down the window. i hit the ‘lock’ button on the remote, heard that siren start to wail behind me, and drove away.