if you can find a reason for this bit from fourteen and a half years ago…
…i’d love to hear it!
the longest entry EVER (not really)
by sean ~ January 24th, 2003. Filed under: Uncategorized.
don’t blame me. i didn’t bring this sack-shriveling cold shit to texas. didn’t happen. i SWEAR. personally, i think it’s kinda sad that i’m almost HOPING to have to go back to colorado next week just so i can warm up. but these things happen, i suppose…
before i left (and there is still a third installment of the s.s. chronicles to come that was pounded out on the company laptop while en route back i just haven’t gotten to post off that machine yet) i had left myself several messages on the machine at the house in various states of sobriety (and lack of it) to be turned into what i deemed “the longest astrowhore entry EVER”…to be completed the sunday BEFORE i left for denver (almost two weeks ago at this point, i DO realize) where i was just gonna wander by the computer, type for about twenty minutes, then wander away, eventually completing this opus of brain droppings that would make no sense, yet hopefully entertain; which seems to be the basic theme of my existence. so, here’s what’s been occupying my machine for FAR too damn long…
a six pack of signs that you’re at a white trash wedding
1. if it’s one of the rare ones, the families aren’t speaking to the “guests of honor” because they’re marrying OUTSIDE the family. you know the old saying…”son, if she’s not good enough marry her own family, she’s not good enough to marry ours”.
2. if it’s the more COMMON one, the aisle division is odd, since the brides side and the grooms side are the same family. so it’s kin on one side, and “other” on the other (i.e. parole officers, liquor store clerks, leftover strippers from the bachelor party, etc).
3. the recessional is “freebird”.
4. when the preacher gets to the part about “if there is anyone who can show just cause…” the only sound you here is the pumping of the bride’s father’s shotgun.
5. the silver flatware set the couple selected contains sporks.
6. the cops have to be called to break up the post-reception “who’s el camino is who’s” fight in the parking lot of the v.f.w. hall.
an approximation of a conversation josh and i overheard at ihop, which sounds oddly like a mid-nineties snl skit…but i KNOW the last line is accurate ’cause i said my comment out loud on accident:
“…and i was like, ‘eat me’, and he was like, ‘can i?’, and i was like, ‘no’, and he was like, ‘why?’, and i was like, ‘gross!!’, and he was like, ’seriously, and i was like, ‘but i have a boyfriend’, and he was like, ‘like i care’…”
(are double likes allowed in sentences? that baffled me…)
our software consultant simon, who is from australia, on the great miracles of texas technology after his first weekend here:
“the three greatest inventions in texas: corn bread, bar-b-Q, and nyquil.”
didn’t have the heart to tell him that nyquil wasn’t invented in texas. though he was curious if that was what we actually thought cherries tasted like. to protect our image, i told him, “no”.