another five on the side

okay, so the last couple of lists i’ve done have been quite well received; those being gym attire tips, and the hippy thangs my life could do without. but a few people were upset the gym thang was ONLY about clothing, and not about working out; and josh pointed out that i WAY limited myself on the hippy thing (he swung up and hung out for both nights at la zona with me), so here’s a friday morning bonus for y’all…another five of each.

first, a gym tip or two (or five):

1. the water fountain is not your own persona water cooler. ever notice even the largest of gym’s only has one or two? and that there’s always a line? now, keeping that in mind, why would you decided to use it to refill your liter of bottled water? the thing barely trickles (that’s because it’s for drinking, not washing your car), and the people behind you need water, too. yesterday a girl kept me waiting not only while she filled her jug, but then while she screwed on the little sports top. i know i’m not SUPPOSED to smack a female, but there can be exceptions, right?

2. okay, guys…a little grunting and groaning at the gym is expected. i do it. we all do it. we’re lifting heavy stuff, having to quickly intake oxygen, a noise or two is gonna escape us. but if you have to make a noise that sounds like you just passed a kidney stone so large that it ripped open the side of mr. happy like an oscar meyer frank that’s been left in the microwave thirty second too long, MAYBE you need to lower the weight a pinch. (was that too graphic??) other guys might be impressed, but most women won’t be. of course, if you ARE trying to impress the guys, don’t injure yourself with splash weekend coming up and all…not that i’d know about that kind of thing. josh told me. HE would. (his room mates…NOT him. trust me. ask kristen).

3. don’t try to look pretty. this goes for both sexes. i mean honestly, you’re there to have good END results, but it’s pointless to try and look perfect while getting them. i’m not saying look like hell, but trying to keep every hair in place, and wearing cologne or perfume? that’s pointless. picture me – all sweaty, hair falling down in my face, short of breath, lightly grunting….do anything for you? i didn’t think so (however, if that DID do something for you, don’t hesitate to write at the email link on the side bar there and let’s chat)

4. it’s not a karaoke bar. so, your heart’s pumping, your feeling good, and your favorite tune comes on, so you start to sing…but you can just barely hear yourself, so you figure no harm, no fowl. problem is, the reason you can just barely hear yourself is because your headphones are on. that means the rest of us can hear you loud and clear, but we CAN’T hear the music you’re accompanied by – we can just hear you. don’t get me wrong i like shakira, too..and i’ve heard others sing along and do a killer job, but without the music, a bit of the experience is lost.

5. i saw this one enough yesterday to make me cringe, and while it’s a bit of a fashion tip, i still feel it is something that needs to be mentioned: back fat. it’s not your friend. dress accordingly.

and, the five hippy thangs i could live to be 100, never see, and be a happy man (okay, five of many..but i already gave you another ten earlier…stop being so greedy…

1. rag wear…purse, shirts, pants…all made from scraps of cloth that look like they were just found around the house. a bit of an old corduroy jacket, a hunk of old curtains, ans viola – PANTS. what?

2. twisting beads and such in your hair – how DO you sleep at night?

3. dashiki’s – as in the african looking shirts. i might not know how to spell it properly, but i know how to spell “wife beater”, ’cause i wear those. do you really think that buying a shirt equals you out from 400 years of oppression? do you think that any brother is FOOLED into thinking you feel his pain? wear that one into jail on visitors day…THEN you might feel some pain…

4. 70’s western shirts…the ones with the pearl buttons. sorry, kramer, but everybody (including you) REALLY needs to let these go…

5. and i REALLY can’t believe i forgot the grand daddy of ALL hippy attire annoyances…BIRKENSTOCKS.

Replies: 2 Comments

hey i wear birkenstocks, asshole.

natasha said @ 05/09/2002 02:47 AM GMT

“You can have my faux pearl snap yoke shirts when you pry them from cold, dead fingers” just doesn’t have the right ring to it.

astrofishy said @ 05/03/2002 02:21 PM GMT