staying on the dole (or as shane calls it, the “obama gravy train”

this is SO not a bit about how to live with a pineapple up your ass…

…although if such a thing turns you on, you kinda scare me a little. watch little nicky and see if you still feel the same way.

moving on…

in today’s obamaconomy the jobless number ain’t going down quite like we were lead to believe – and it appears to be getting worse rather than getting better. but much like anal sex, heroin, and other things thought to not be enjoyable, some people may find they LIKE being out of work. no responsibilities, no schedules, no commute (speaking from experience here as this next sunday marks six weeks for me, and normally by now i have another job lined up – never been without for more than six weeks since i started getting paid for college radio back in january of 1993). but if you want the state to keep giving up the cheddar, how do you keep them happy so you can get paid without actually having to work? read on…

six ways to stay jobless as LONG as you want

6.  ask if you get your own company pc, ’cause the one you have at home is so overun with viruses from porn sites that it rarely connects and for some reasons converts all your emails into russian.

5.  when filling out the application under “other names you have worked by” put “thunder cock” (or “sugar tits”, if your body is cock-free…don’t want this to seem like only guys want to NOT work) explaining that to make ends meet since your last “real” job you did some adult film work.

4.  emphasize the word “convicted” when asking what they want to know about your criminal record.  also ask if you run out of room on their measly three lines of space if you’re allowed to write on the back or attach your own sheet.  shane works this one better than anyone you know – of course, he just writes “see attached” and staples his to the back.

(at this point, giving credit where it’s due, i should mention i’m writing this at shane’s before the ufc fight and he’s contributing)

3.  under personal references, list obvious stripper names in quotes (“saphire”, “lexus”, etc) and then on the extra lines for contact info list clubs, day or evening shift, and identifying qualities (“blonde, big fake tits, dances to def leppard a lot”, etc).  hey, they gotta be able to track ’em down to ask about you, right?

2.  ask, before you sign off on the forms, if their background check is local, state,  or federal.  if they say all, ask if it hits mexico, “’cause there was this incident, and this bar in juarez, and the girl wasn’t of age, but the donkey was…” and your lawyer said you really shouldn’t be talking about it until everything is settled…

1.  act nervous, clear your throat a bit, and ask, “on the drug test, i get a couple of days warning, and once i pass this first one we’re cool, right?  i mean, once you know i’m cool then we’re cool, right?!?!?”  try to wear a cypress hill t-shirt when you go fill out the application…or willie nelson, or grateful dead, or cheech & chong, or…