galvanize? (a throwback)

well, it’s about time. it finally happened. you get one chance in the roy rogers airport in okc, and i failed it. something i’ve just never understood is how i…big, bald, tattooed…glide through airport security with nary an issue EVER. meanwhile, a guy i work with, who looks as if he could have just gotten off from a double shift at old navy, got damn near strip searched when we went to denver. i looked like eminem’s road security, and i waltz right through

odd…

there was a comedian i saw once that talked about how silly he thought it was that they sell porn in airports. have you ever seen a guy on a plane reading penthouse? or playboy? hustler? nope. doesn’t happen. which is sad, because at dfw a couple of weeks ago, i saw an actual ARTICLE referenced on the cover of hustler about the “bum fights” videos, which sounded fascinating…until i realized what i would look like reading hustler on a plane. when i got back to austin, i found out that was one issue BEHIND what was on most news stands, and i couldn’t find it anywhere. and hustler.com just shows nothing but net porn. typically that would be a good thing; but it didn’t help for me now…

personally, i don’t think people who buy porn to read on a plane are bad people. lonely to a degree of it being sad AND humorous, sure…but bad people? a concern? hell no…what I’D be concerned with are the ones that buy the HANDGUN magazines and go on planes…THOSE are the ones i’d be concerned with. not that all people who like guns enough to read about them have issues (not meant in the “whats on the back of the toilet bowl” sorta way). but given the strange climate of airports these days, can’t ya wait till you get home to see if the new glock is all it’s cracked up to be?

but it WAS the fact that these mags ARE sold in airports that gave me an idea…what can i do to get searched at an airport? when i was in okc, a guy i spoke to talked about how he was kinda stressed about renting a uHaul truck, until the girl behind the counter confided to him that all their security precautions were to keep a watchful eye on people who weren’t as pale as he was…if you know what i’m saying and i think you do.

i, however, had a plan.

jump boots.
camo pants.
a t-shirt that reads “guns don’t kill people…I kill people”
all topped off with a hat featuring a patch from some militia organization.

if THAT didn’t get me searched, i don’t know what would…but it would DEFINITELY prove, once and for all, that they do pick people at random and that so far i was just lucky if i didn’t get searched. but then came today. i go through, and the thing goes off (metal detector, that is). “oh…”. i say, “i bet it’s my sunglasses…they’re prescription, so i forgot to take them off…” “step over here, sir…you can only go through once.”

then i found out something really fun. the wand is a SHITLOAD more sensitive than the metal detector.

it picks up surgical steel. like what piercing jewelry is made out of. do you know how pleasant it is to explain to the cop at the airport in oklahoma city that you’re not wearing a belt, so that’s not your belt buckle that’s setting his wand off? what a way to start the day. and i thought the nipple ring explanation had gotten me an odd look. but in the end, we discovered that yes, it WAS the sunglasses. so now i can’t say i never get searched anymore. it happened. almost like i MADE it happen.

so now, should i go off on how i NEVER have threesomes with two hot women? let’s test this self-inducing prophecy shit…

2026 note: about a year after i wrote that last line…

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They usually take me to that small room, make me undress, and I’m still pissed at the guy with the rubber glove, but never mind that now.