firing off fitty (a flashback)

sometimes i get called on to use my creativity for other people. usually it’s for good (marketing campaigns, party favors, etc) but sometimes it’s not…

this would be one of those “latter” times.

ya see, a co-worker (her boss, actually) of a very close friend was going out on a date…which my girl found hard to believe (or, at the very least, just wanted to give the guy a hard time). so she emailed him a few questions and called me to see if i could come up with some for the list. she came up with even more to harass him with in person, and then i came up with yet more when she told me about those. so here for your amusement, via me and leslie, are the “what the fuck do you mean someone will go out with you?” questions, in a very extended version…which i’d like to see if you cruel folks (yes, shane and harold and josh and jim and kathi and kramer, i am expecting good, evil shit out of you people here) can add yet more to it:

1. which of her twelve steps is going out with you?
2. does she cast a reflection in mirrors?
3. does she have a third eye?
4. does she have a tail? or gills?
5. is she over 18? ew, is she under 65?
6. has she ever been to prison?
7. did she lose a bet?
8. was she born a woman?
9. so how much medication is she on, anyway?
10. isn’t it amazing what someone will do to stay in the country?
11. wait…does this mean you’ve given up on guys?
12. you mean someone finally answered your personal ad?
13. i bet she’s pretty tall for a midget with a beard, huh?
14. does she have opposable thumbs?
15. does she walk upright?
16. do her knuckles drag the ground?
17. does she speak english?
18. does she have all her toes?
19. does she live in a van down by the river?
20. is she a trekkie?
21. i guess size really doesn’t matter, eh?
22. has she had all her shots?
23. does she know hazing is now prohibited on campus?
24. does her conjoined twin know about this date?
25. you know just ’cause you’re paying her doesn’t mean you’ll get laid, right?
26. does she wreak of cat pee?
27. does she live under a bridge?
28. amazing what a leper will do to get back into society, huh?
29. when did she leave the nunnery?
30. which voice in her head told her to do this?
31. does she live in a single, double, or triple wide?
32. how many kids is she looking to have you support?
33. how long has her husband been in jail?
34. guess she’s gotta do this once to know she’s a lesbian, huh?
35. when was the last time she spoke to satan?
36. who’s descendant did she sleep with to get her current gig? barnum’s or bailey’s?
37. are you sure the picture she emailed you was her?
38. who knew a homeless girl would stoop to this to get a meal?
39. has she ever been on springer?
40. so, those girls on the flyers at porn stores really will go out with anyone?
41. didn’t she used to do that show across the border with the donkey?
42. she said she’d go on a second date with you? wow, how much did it cost you to get her THAT liquored up?
43. it’s cool to see that you’re getting back into the swing of things
after that unfortunate herpes “incident” (does she know about that?).
44. you know it’s kinda taboo to make her give you a bj, what with her being a vegetable and all.
45. does she get cranky when you guys go to the zoo and all the kids compare her to the elephants?
46. isn’t it kinda creepy waking up next to her… and her mom, too?
47. so she was in the special olympics, huh? pole-vaulting? really? well that explains what happened to her face.
48. how’d she lose that leg, anyway?
49. are those breasts or mosquito bites?
50. collecting foreskins is a pretty unusual hobby for a chic to have,
no?

okay, leslie and i could crank out fifty with just the two of us…and that was just over a couple of hours of back-and-forth emails…that’s not even being in the same room together. so, how many can y’all do in a weekend? hit the comments section and make me proud…

Replies: 13 Comments

Why didn’t she find a soup kitchen to work for to complete her community service?

When did her rehab start allowing guests for movie night?

Did her doctor issue a pass, or are you kidnapping her from the hospital?

Was she in a terrible accident that left her blind and deaf, or was she born that way?

kathi said @ 08/18/2003 09:30 AM CST

hey red – those aren’t so funny.

elle said @ 08/16/2003 05:28 PM CST

San Antonio:

Until she got out of the car, I thought that was a lowrider.

the scorp redhead said @ 08/16/2003 12:12 PM CST

Jail: So, does she have a social worker on her team, too?

How many husbands does she have in prison? (funnier after 34)

So, she came up positive for opium as well as Thorazine. I take it one of those is self-prescribed.

Dallas: Is that diamond from her third or her fifth husband?

Nice view: does someone keep her?

the redheaded scorp said @ 08/15/2003 10:54 PM CST

p.s. no one’s send me email to my spiffy new yahoo address that sean set up for me… =(

~leslie* said @ 08/15/2003 02:41 PM CST

awwww. look at you boys go! kudos, gentlemen. =P

~leslie* said @ 08/15/2003 02:30 PM CST

she doesn’t shrivel up in daylight, does she? you kow, when the sunlight hits her, she doesn’t shriek, “stop the pain!”

or she doesn’t get that look in her eyes, whle telling you to, “stop the bad men from hurting me again!”

or, “is it legal to cross state lines?”

astrofishy said @ 08/15/2003 02:04 PM CST

so, how many marlboro miles did this date cost you?
does she get the minor or seinor discount at the movies?
do her parents let her stay out after dark?

shane said @ 08/15/2003 12:50 PM CST

does abeeping noise come from her ass when she backs up?
does her family tree branch?
will the circus leaving mean there wont be a third date?

shane said @ 08/15/2003 12:13 PM CST

So I really shouldn’t be worried about your husband tied up in the corner crying?

Harold said @ 08/15/2003 11:31 AM CST

You’re serious? Pee? IN your ass!?

Harold said @ 08/15/2003 11:27 AM CST

What do you mean yor dad gave you a prize for ora.. oh.

Harold said @ 08/15/2003 11:23 AM CST

did you get the sentence reduced or was it a plea bargain?

will you go see my therapist with me?
(I actually heard that one)