can we? can we please? (a throwback)

so, it didn’t take long today to realize that the warning i got from kathi midway through the morning commute was SO true…

watch your ass.

not from cops. not from road construction (which lord knows austin, like every other city that TOUCHED i35, has WAY too much of). but from other motorists. or “driver humans”, as the all-too-ass-kissing-PLEASE-buy-our-gas-and-forget-what-we-did-to-the-environment corporation exxon likes to call them. but just inside the city limits, i realized that along with their wheat bagel with the fat-free cream cheese and their double espresso venti latte frapuccino with whip (the austin morning version of a balanced diet – but who am i to complain; i smoke a good cigar for dinner and refer to good tobacco as the “forgotten food group”) they also popped a little something before they left the house…

two capsules of one-a-day plus CRACK. scary shit.

why else would some moron try a u-turn on ben white in morning rush hour across six lanes of traffic cutting off me, two school buses, a truck with tires bigger than ANY of the kids in those buses, etc? or come to a dead halt on i35 for NO reason what so ever? or the jerk in the mustang gt 5.0 cobra convertible who got in front of me on 360, in the fast lane, where the speed limit is 60, and in the left lane only go 45? with NOBODY in front of him, but a steady stream in the right lane so it took a good five minutes before i could whip around and give him the finger but he didn’t notice ’cause he was on the phone?

look, chester…360 AIN’T the texas motor speedway, my commute AIN’T a nascar event (although i drive at speeds where i understand where some might get confused) and your ‘stang AIN’T a fucking pace car…

MOVE YOUR ASS…..

fuck deer. and rabbits. and ducks. and whatever little harmless forest creatures that guys feel they have to go out and blast the shit out of to feel more “in touch with nature” (which is easy to do when little bits of it are splattered on your clothes since you used 12 gauge shot to turn bunnies into confetti…where WERE you guys at easter?) no, no. we need a new season during the summer, when school’s out so there’s less chance of some kid getting hurt. you know what we need?

ROLLING MORON SEASON!!!

HELL YEAH!!! just think of it…if people who do this kind of stupid shit thought they’d end up with their head (and steering wheel) mounted on a plaque in my den, they might drive a little more sanely..and a LOT faster. Stang boy would be hard to pick off at 85 mph…but 45? in the fast lane?

BAM!!!

and the caption under his head on the plaque over my sofa?

“IF He’d Pressed The One On The Right, He’d Be All Right”

i understand his frustration. a car like that has to carry some MONDO insurance, so he doesn’t want a ticket too. or maybe, even WITH the car, this boy ain’t getting no play. he likes the vacant, barbie types and figures that if he goes slow enough, one will get confused, think it’s a parade, and hop in is back seat to wave at people and she’ll be all his.