munchies (a throwback)

okay, so more than one friend has called austin “the most eating outest city” on the planet. ignoring the obvious grammatical nightmare that this phrase wreaks of, it is essentially true. like kramer, i live by my damn self, and cooking for yourself seems like SUCH a waste. so, i do more than my share of dining out. whether it be austin, sa, sm (san marcos), l-town (lockhart…duh), or anywhere on this wonderful planet we call texas, i mean earth, certain rules apply. they are universal, they are unstoppable, and unlike gravity on stripper boobs, they are pretty much irreversible (and for all my wealthy readers, know that just because you bought them for her, doesn’t mean she likes you OR will let you play with them…sorry to burst your bubble – pardon the pun) anyone else feel a list of ten coming on?

1. the subway seafood and crab sub – easily the most wrong fast food out there. on their club, they describe it as “ham, turkey, and roast beef”. all definable – and we know what animal they come from. but seafood and crab? that’s crab meat, and ANYTHING that swims. anything. if it floats, it’s fair game. turds float. think about that. sorry…that one was a bit harsh.

2. if you hit a buffet, do some math. can you REALLY eat $12.95 worth of ribs? one time i figured up that you had to eat an entire side of ribs to make it worth the money at a bar-b-q buffet. so, i did it. that HURT. and i’m not small. learn from my mistakes.

3. speaking of my mistakes, let’s talk about the monte cristo from bennigan’s. ham. turkey. cheese. in a sandwich. that is then DEEP FRIED. and then sprinkled with SUGAR. i had one once, and liked it. tried it a second time, and partially because of the guilt from my date, but mainly from the dish itself, didn’t. dodge this like a speeding red ball at fourth grade recess.

4. if you go through a drive-thru lane, and end up behind a van (or in texas, a suburban), just turn off your car; you’re gonna be there for a WHILE. a LONG while. like, “i hope you have something in your vehicle to read” kinda while. if you decide to stay, i warned you…hope your tank is full.

5. two things that DON’T go together. lobster and strip clubs. getting some tail from a strip club can be scary enough. make that a lobster tail, and it can get scarier. that’s what ruined my 30th birthday. bad strip club lobster. what was worse, i showed up at a buddy’s radio show, because we were supposed to go out for a late dinner after he got off the air. problem was, i got drunk with some guys from the office, and ended up showing up two hours early. so he put my intoxicated ass on the air with him. knowing my tendency towards profanity (sober, more so when i’m drunk) this was a risky move. but all went well, and we OPENLY announced which strip club we would head to after the show…often. so when i was late to work the next day, nobody believed it was bad lobster. but this hit me hard enough to where i didn’t even drink, and we were getting served (in MANY ways) for free. i swear, it was the lobster; that’s why i’m warning you.

6. a can of iams pet food for one of my puppies costs $.97. a can of CHEAP food for them costs $.59. taco bell serves tacos on sunday for $.49. calum and buffi’s food doesn’t come in a crispy shell, or have lettuce or cheese. care to rate taco bell meat at this point? still wanna eat there? just checking…

7. is there ANYBODY left in the western world who DOESN’T know that their plate is gonna be hot when it comes to mexican food? anyone? bueller? bueller? bueller? i didn’t think so…but they still warn you. damn tourists. see, if we had those “don’t hassle me i’m local” wristbands i think all austin locals should have during sxsw, we would have no more issues. they would know that WE know. and i always move the plate. and never burn myself. what kind of wimp do they think i am?

8. if you are sitting more than 100 miles from the coast, understand that the word “fresh” is used to describe seafood for marketing purposes ONLY. don’t take it literally. same for “catch of the day”. caught from where? you’re sitting in central KANSAS for christ’s sake. there are people in that state that have NEVER seen an ocean, except on tv. just because it’s red lobster, does not mean there’s some special school of boats that comes up first thing in the morning. DON’T kid yourself. and if you are on the gulf coast, DON’T eat at red lobster. go somewhere local. the fish served at the red lobster in san marcos, tx (aprx. 200 miles from the nearest bay) is the SAME fish served at the one on the coast. and just as (non) fresh.

9. unless it’s fries…or a sandwich you dip in meat juice…eating anything french is just WRONG. DAMN wrong. and if you’re a guy, know that i WILL make fun of you for this. loudly. maybe even throw something. okay, maybe not that last one….but you never know. especially if i snuck a flask in.

10. okay, this one you knew i was gonna say. and you should memorize this. learn it. love it. live it. adobada? JUST SAY NO!!!!!