this is the end?

so tonight, while talking to my friend todd, i bit my lip…

…twice.

i can’t remember the last time this happened, but it’s been a WHILE. it’s another in a long line of “what daphuk?” physical issues that make me question my health due to family history. my mom cancelled her cancer insurance shortly after she turned fifty because it was extra money she felt she didn’t need to spend since there was, at that point, quite literally zero cancer history on that side of my family. but “history” has to start somewhere, and the cancer part of our health history started with mom…about six months after she cancelled said insurance.

she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy. her body almost instantly rejected the implant they tried to replace the breast with (but not till she got home so the whole incident could scare the shit outta me) and then was fine…for, like, six months. then they noticed pre-cancerous spots she called “hot spots” around her hip, which turned out to be bone cancer. at the time, i was about to move into my first apartment. i pushed that off, saying i’d see where she was at, health-wise, in six months. six months later she was walking with a cane. THAT’S why my address hasn’t changed in over forty-six years.

so when i was turning fifty-one, and all of a sudden i had sharp pain in my hip and knee, i didn’t wanna know. i’m serious. i’ve had health insurance very rarely in my adult life. and when i had it, i never used it. i haven’t had a proper doctor’s visit since 1995 or so. but thanks to watching what mom went through, i had one simple rule if i scored the big “c” – no chemo, no radiation. i’ll try other shit like weed and yoga or whatever the fuck, but i ain’t pumping dow chemical’s latest creation into my bloodstream in the hopes that it’ll kill the cancer and my kidneys can filter that sludge.

hard pass.

i joked a couple years ago when nik gave me one as an xmas present that i don’t know much about massage guns, but i DO know they don’t cure cancer, and the fact that one would alleviate the quad pain meant it can’t be cancer, right? i am now realizing while it does take the pain away temporarily, it’s not going after the CAUSE of the pain, and that might be…well…you know.

talking to todd again has brought one thing to the forefront of my brainus, tho – it’s been faaaarrrr too long since i’ve been on a bike or a board. seriously. i know i’ve used this recently, but i thought this was astoundingly accurate, and it applies to bikes as well:

words to live by.