close to the edit (a throwback not about an art of noise song)

“oh HEY – i remember you!!! i stuck my hand down your pants last time!!!”

that was my greeting to the waitress last night at antonio’s. and i wasn’t showing off to anyone else at the table – i was solo. this should have been a sign of things to come, shouldn’t it? but let’s back up for a moment…

i didn’t write much this week because for the bulk of the week i had a toothache. so, the days went thusly:

wake up – get ready – commute – work – go home – get bombed so i can sleep with major mouth pain – pass out – repeat

so, not a lot of time to be social – or write about being social…or write about anything, for that matter. but last night we made up for that – which was stupid, because i had to crawl out of bed by 6:55 this morning so i could leave my house by 7:00 and be at work by 8:00.

ick.

it all started off innocently enough – hooters has this wing special before 6:00. i get off at 5:30, and my buddies get off work at 6:00. it’s a no-brainer – i am the wing man. just not the subservient one. problem was i had a customer who, much like me, does not know how to shut up and get to the point. so i didn’t get off the phone till 5:50. yet somehow, in traffic, i got there in under ten minutes and our order was placed at 5:59.

nice.

after mucho muerto de pollo (how bad did i murder that?) i decided that i just HAD to hit happy hour at antonio’s. nobody else wanted to go, so off i went. i’ve been there a few times, and drunk more than my share of their potent house ritas. on one occasion, i had this super cute latina waitress, and i noticed a tattoo when her shirt rose up a bit along her waist. when i asked to see it, she asked me which one, lifting her shirt to show me the one i’d seen, then rotating and showing me the other side of her lower back to reveal one that disappeared down into her pants. in order to see that one in it’s entirety, i hooked two fingers between her pants and her luscious latin frame, down deep enough to where i could feel them go under a thong strap (they WERE low-rise pants), and pulled down about four inches to reveal the whole ink piece and a good portion of a rather nice ass.

“verrrrrrry nice”, i purred, adding for cheese effect, “and the tattoo ain’t bad either”.

she smiled at me and walked off. never saw her since.

till last night. when i found out her name. and that she had a boyfriend. welcome to my world – the eternal odd man out.

so, after two potent margarita rounds it was off to see two really great guys who do help my “odd man out” statistics – ’cause they’re married to each other. bret & leo joined me at the backstage bar and two rounds of crown royal disappeared in the blink of an eye (at this point i should mention that this was me ending a two week non-alcoholic streak) and then, for some reason, we decided that ice cream was in order. off to amy’s we went, i dropped ‘em at the hilton, and shot up north to cap city comedy club.

thursday morning i had heard one of my favorite comics, carlos mencia, on a radio show talking about being in austin all weekend. i thought to myself, “i wonder if he’d remember me enough to where i could show up before one of his shows and get myself on the guest list for saturday night…”

yeah – like i don’t make an impression that warrants me not only being remembered, but getting hooked up, too…

HELLO?!?!?

since kathi was up there drinking anyway, i went up, joined her at the bar, downed round three of crown (and drink number five) for the night, then went and chatted up carlos, and she and i were then on the list for the midnight show tonight. very nice. then it was off to have round six for the night (straight crown, as per usual) and then i headed home and crashed out around one something…

but remember, this was all stupid due to me having to crawl off my face while it was still dark out and head to work.

which i did.

which hurt.

thank god for rock star energy drink (which contains milk thistle, a natural hangover remedy)

and the title (if anyone wants me, i’ll be on my face…) came from how i greeted my co-workers. this was started at 8:00 am, when i got here, and it’s now 2:10. i’m out of here – to go crash on my face for a few hours before carlos’ late show tonight.