ouch (budnik edition)

so, monday made basically six months since budnik passed…

…and it still stings a bit.

partially because there is, in my opinion, no way i’ll ever be as close to another dog. that might not be a bad thing – i almost upset a LOT of people who had collectively spent thousands to join me for my fiftieth in vegas when budnik went on a hunger strike because i wasn’t home, and he was ten going on eleven at the time, so i was worried and almost flew back two days early so he’d eat. that’s a level of codependency that’s not really healthy. phyfe loves me, but loves nikki more. that sucks for me in several ways, but it really doesn’t in lots of others.

to commemorate his six month passing date i finally unpacked him. his earthly remains have still been sitting on the buffet, in front of the monkey lamp, since i got them back in april when we, ironically, took phyfe for his first scheduled vet visit (i denote “scheduled” because a worming issue sprung up days before requiring an emergency run when we’d had him for less than three days).

monday night, when nik went to get os from work, i went ahead and unpacked the bag. it basically contained two things – a humidor looking box with a brass tag i had to attach, and a plaster paw print with an easel. the latter went on my bedside table, the former on the coffee table by the couch so he could simultaneously be one of the last things i see before bed AND get to hang out with me while i’m on the couch like he always used to.

the weird thing was the box i chose i THOUGHT had a chamber for him, but then you’d lift the lid and there was a place to put mementos – a collar, or a toy, or what have you. such was not the case – the lid lifts and there’s a velvet bag with him in it! no extra chamber. i had no idea – this kinda ruined part of my plan, but at least i finally got him out of the bag.

so he’s there, but not really. it’s not the same. and it never will be. and that sucks soooooo hard. but it’s how life goes, and you get dogs knowing you will outlive them. a wave of depression came over me, which i expected, and it honestly wasn’t as bad as i was afraid it might be. but he will always be missed, always be my little dude, and always be my son. like i said back when he passed, i’ll always have another dog, but i’ll never have another budnik.