an old version of a recent bit (a throwback, obvs)

lately i’ve been contemplating getting a second job. i’m tired of being behind on bills, “upside down” on a couple of debts, etc, etc, and figure the extra income would be a good thing. like any busy boy i’ve been looking at what’s around me; checking out my favorite eateries, the gym, or whatever, just so i don’t have to turn to man whoring…

yeah, like that would get me any scratch…

(insert harold pimp-speak comment here)

actually, i guess some money could get made by “giving up the goods”…some pierced parts of me do tend to be rather popular…but never mind that now.

like i said, one of the places i had looked into working was at gold’s gym. but there was a hurdle or two. for one, in order to be a trainer there, you have to drop the coin for certification. makes sense. i suppose that’s a good thing. but there’s also the pay. you only get six bucks an hour or something to that effect, but a good bit more for the hours when you’re actually training of course. you also have to go out and get your own clients, but that probably wouldn’t be a big issue…i tend to be able to pimp myself rather well, so i’m sure i could stay busy. but two things stood in my way for looking at this as a serious job idea…

1. certification
2. silence

the second one probably needs a bit of explanation. from what i can gather (and if any gold’s folks read my shit, tell me if i’m wrong) if you’re a trainer there, and see someone with slop-house form, or doing anything other than something that could get themselves (or others) hurt (i.e. you don’t just stand by while the big guys play frisbee with a 45 lb plate) you don’t tell people what to do. you let them go out and basically play on the equipment, and ask them if they want training. if they decline, you just let ’em waste their time.

i do suppose handing out advice for free would be training them for free. and why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free, right? at least that’s what they said on that movie the other night…scary lil’ flick. barnyard girls. never mind that now. where was i? oh, yeah…

man whoring. no wait. that wasn’t it.

(forgive me…i’m still a bit toasty from my thursday night fun)

i see more people in the gym these days that simply don’t know WHAT the fuck they’re doing. i give advice occasionally, which i know isn’t always appreciated, but i did train people for a number of years, and i’ve been in the weight rooms for over ten, so i kinda know what i’m talking about. plus, i trained the most difficult people to train in a weight room.

high school-aged guys.

nobody is more confident and cocky than high school aged jocks (with the possible exception of frat boys in college…or me. but ignore that last one). so, they tend to lift more weight than they should, slop up their technique, all in the name of looking better ’cause they’re hoisting a 50 lb dumb bell instead of a 30 lb dumb bell. ya look more beefy. more pumped. more ripped. right? only one hole in this theory…

no girls.

the gym i worked at had almost zilcho female members. and the ones it DID have were the age of these guys’ moms. (and no m.i.l.f.s in the bunch) so, i would point out to them that if they were trying to show off and look good while they lifted my slopping up a 50 lb curl instead of dropping weight and doing it right, then they must be worried about how they looked to other guys, and were therefore gay.

that did it. nothing snaps a high school guys chain quite like being called a faggot. god bless freud. but i digress…

i would simply point out the physics…”a 35 lb hunk of metal weighs 35 lbs. it even says 35 lbs. how simple is that? so, why does it feel heavier when you lift it my way instead of your way? simple…’cause your way sucks.” and then i’d wrap up with the closing line that always sold it, “don’t worry about how you look WHILE you’re working out, worry about how you look out of the gym BECAUSE you’ve been working out”.

then we’d set up a schedule. and they’d typically stick to it.

but in the gym today, you don’t do that. you don’t give the advice for free. and you need certification. so without that particular chunk of paper, and with the mouth i’ve got, something tells me i should look another way with this. but i gotta find something. maybe i could just be a consultant. work out or otherwise…lemme practice:

“um, yeah…let’s talk about those t.p.s. reports…”

Replies: 3 Comments

Hmmmmm…Yeah…i’m gonna need you to train on your day off..

Physical Trainee said @ 07/27/2003 10:47 PM CST

never said i was switching teams, bro…just breaking into “the majors”

sean said @ 07/25/2003 11:00 AM CST

i guess if you need cash that bad we could drop you off somewhere on 4th street, or maybe at a truck stop. never mind, you’d probably try to talk the fruity boys straight, thereby killing your profit. forget it.