and twenty years later they’re almost all gone (a flashback)

okay, first off, in the title, i am SO not criticizing people who smoke pot. but working my first of THREE widespread panic shows was worse than i ever could have imagined when it came to the box office. scary, scary stuff. and walking through the crowd was even worse. that “au natural” smell (now with PATCHOULI!!!) is bad enough when there’s one or two of them together.

now picture it with five THOUSAND. and somehow, the back deck of the joint was visibly wet. like slick to the touch, slide around on it kinda wet. but it hadn’t rained. and not THAT many people would be stupid enough to spill drinks. oh no, kids..this was 100%, fully-organic HIPPY SWEAT. and there’s plenty more where that came from. my mantra from the early part of the day:

shower every morning
eat beef for lunch
don’t hug anyone
refuse to feel the vibe
never touch a hacky sack
and they’ll KNOW you’re not one of them

and i’m sticking to it. hell, on saturday when i have to go straight in from l-town, i’m bringing PORK RIBS to eat in front of the sons of bitches. they do have a commemorative t-shirt, though, and i think i’m gonna buy one…because they come with a cow skull on it, and you can’t beat a marketing ploy that gets a bunch of non-beef touching fools to wear the head of a dead cow on their back.

one of the main issues was the fact that their were still tickets left for last night’s show (tonight and tomorrow’s are WAY sold out), but that meant the bartering began. i was offered more foul smelling weed, hemp jewelry, clothes, shoes (no bullshit), and glass beads than i think i’ve ever had to deal with.

beads?

the last time someone made a trade for beads that i can recall, the indians gave up manhattan. do you know how much land GOES for in manhattan? and they traded for BEADS? as i said to a newbie star employee yesterday, i learn from my mistakes…AND the mistakes of others. and when you’ve had nothing but granola and ‘shrooms all day, your short term memory (and bargaining skills) go out the window. i learned saying total nonsensical stuff made things easiest (cause it confused them). an example:

dude, how much are tickets?
$35.00.
NO WAY?!?!? THIRTY-five dollars? there’s a guy in the lot selling for $25!!!
then they’re probably not real.
no way, man, they’re real…i saw them….
then go buy from him…
(the aforementioned guy WAS selling fakes..and was arrested when a SCALPER got pissed after he bought FOUR of them to sell himself)
but, all i have is $20…
okay
so, you’ll sell it to me for $20?
no…i was just agreeing that that was all you had…..
well (he puts his hand on the glass counter in front of me, with the twenty underneath it)
what if i just SLID this $20 over to you and you put it in your pocket????
then i could afford the dead cow head shirt i want….
….and you’d give me a ticket for tonight?
no…i thought you were just being generous
what?
notice i’m not wrapped in red velvet…or fat….or sporting a jerry garcia beard
(always invoke the spirit of jerry…it makes them feel a kinship with you no matter what you say afterwards)
uh-huh…..
it’s because i’m not SANTA CLAUS and i don’t GIVE things away….
but i have $20 and i want to go in!!!!
and i have a dog named calum and he likes to chase birds…
(this is where the nonsensical responses start to get thrown in to try to confuse them)
cool….so, how much to i have to pay to get in?
$35.00
but all i have is $20…

(repeat three more times)

i was so brain-fried myself that by then end of the night i ended up in bed kinda humming/singing a melody to kimberly, the porn-star in training…who, lest the rumors fly, was on the phone with me at the time (and as sweaty and gross as i was wouldn’t NONE of you wanna be there in person)…it’s just the CHOICE of song that then got stuck in my head till i went to sleep that, well, at the time seemed to fit whatever it was we were talking about at the time. but, i digress…

what’s almost scarier is that the next two shows are sold out. that means they ALL will wanna barter to get in, and there are no more tickets. this is the sign i’m gonna make at the office (although they probably won’t let me post it)

WIDESPREAD PANIC
HAS
SOLD OUT!!!

that means there are no tickets you can buy
or barter for
you can also not trade beads, hemp jewelry, clothes, food, water, (bad) weed, or hugs from your girlfriend (unless she’s cute and willing to do a LOT more than hug) for admission.

there will be no tickets released
you will not get in for free once we close the box office

we do, however, have a communal sample of “speed stick” we would like you to try.
it smells like pine.
you’ll love it.
trust us…would we lead you astray?

Replies: 3 Comments

wow, and i thought getting fired from the backyard was a bad thing.
after string cheese, i dont know if i could handle all that crap!
well im off to get my armpit tattooed. talk to ya later…

shane said @ 07/26/2002 09:16 PM GMT

>trust us…
>would we lead you astray?

you’re stealing my live material.

astrofishy said @ 07/19/2002 07:37 PM GMT

obviously you did take someone up on that (bad)weed offer…and smoked ALOT of it…you were singing “dueling banjos” last night

Porn Star said @ 07/19/2002 05:55 PM GMT