fuckin’ throwback! (seriously)

mark today in your outlook, folks…

…today, i have found religion!

harold recently asked me to do these “countdown style” so we’ll do things that way going forward. the following is all based off a website that “advises” young christian folk on the way to get lucky but do it the lord’s way. i think it’s just some guy trying to get some uber-religous tail, although i’m impressed that all his discussions come complete with scriptural references to back his stance. to play it safe we’ll call it…

six ways to get lucky while keeping god (kinda) happy

6. bare it all for god! – first off, the page says going bushy is bad…lickably smooth (as i call it) is good! shows off god’s handy work. and if you like it shaved you can find a lot of it in…

5. the NEW good book – yes, the site says pornography is cool in the eyes of the lord, provided both partners are enjoying themselves (so you gotta do the token two minute lick post blow-job and pre doggy-style, right?) and it all has to take place in the comfort of a good christian marriage. i know that means both “actors” need to wear rings or something, but do we need, like, a picture from the wedding on the bedside table so it’s known it wasn’t just some civil service or a drunken night in vegas or one of those pagan-style hand job thingies but rather the REAL christian deal? and here all these years of me having a stolen gideon’s bible and a hustler in my drawer by the bed people said i was “sick”. turns out i was “christian”. i’m told there’s a difference.  of course, who can bring up pornography without…

4. giving the lord a hand – yep, turns out “flogging the bishop” is okay, too. it’s a good alternative to pre-marital sex. it’s all good. you don’t wanna hear about what else he says the lord would want your hands to do. or perhaps you do. perverts. let’s move on…

3. fall to your knees…not just for praying any more! – oral sex is all good in the eyes of the all mighty, too (i’m really starting to like this guy!) but has two rules – in the words of van hagar, you gotta finish what you started. and like a public sidewalk, spitting is not allowed. that’s right – the guy has to be taken care of, and the girl has to swallow, lest we spill the “seed” or “water of life” (that’s also the irish term for whiskey, by the way) that is so sacred it must not touch the soil. the guy going downtown? NOT mentioned on the oral sex page…and here i thought the shaved thing would make that okay…

2. the more diciples the merrier! – of course what sexual q&a (or t&a) would be complete without addressing the threesome question? oddly enough the author says this is all good, too – but with some rules, of course. first off (duh), it has to be within a “loving, christian marriage”. secondly, it can ONLY be FMF (as in female, male, female – no sword fighting here). and finally the extra girl HAS to be single, or have the permission of her husband (who, again, can’t be there).  girl on girl action is allowed and encouraged, but the guy can only diddle his NON-wife with the permission of his wife. that last part is the only shred of “maybe this guy actually means this seriously” on the whole page from what i’ve seen…’cause what brought me here was…

1. remain pure before marriage – the main page (as of when this was written) is about how a woman needs to save “the big dance” for her wedding night, when she can whip out that clean-shaven pussy and let her husband take it from all angles (and film it, ’cause that’s okay!). but in addition to all the hand jobs and blow jobs that lead up to the big night, the author understands that a woman has to get hers, too – and there’s a simple way for her to do that and remain pure and unsoiled for her wedding…

…take it in the ass.

that’s right, the “uncomfortable place” you can get screwed isn’t just the backseat of a volkswagen any more! to quote a ten year old south park xmas carol, “you can take it up the ass and still be pure in the eyes of god!”. of course on the album kenny sang it, but you can still tell what he says.