it’s tool time again (a flashback)

hi…i’m here to pick up some tickets i have on will call….

(he takes my license, credit card, and business card…the star tickets logo draws an odd look from the guy behind the window at the ERWIN CENTER…the ONE concert venue in austin we DON’T ticket)

sir..we don’t have your tickets on the computer…through whom were these arranged?

i got them through clear channel…they said they’d be at will call…are you sure you don’t see…..

(wait….what were those words about to leave my mouth? next was i gonna ask him to CALL SOMEONE??? great…i’m one of THEM!!! those “do-you-know-who-i-am-and-who-i-know-and-could-crush-you-like-a-grape” assholes…)

right when the scene IN MY HEAD was about to get ugly, the clock rolls over to 10:00 and the box office opens…i step up to the window, throw down my tx dl, my visa, and PALM the business card in my hand so she DOESN’T see it…

hi…i’m supposed to have some tool tickets on will call…

yes sir…here you are…wow, you must know someone…you weren’t charged any service charge or anything, just the base price…anyway, two on the floor…just sign this receipt here….

SWEET!!!

the rest of the day was work-filled….i WAS gonna do a longer version of the above bit to make up for last night’s lameness as a mid-day thing but was afraid that i wouldn’t have anything to write about so i saved it. oh how wrong i was….the real fun kicked in slightly AFTER work once i headed off to san marcos…

i heard things….
nice things…
sounds i haven’t heard in FAR too long…
sounds that hearken back to an earlier time this year when life was more enjoyable, the weather was cooler, and i was in san marcos a good bit more…

the sound of my visa being swiped at the outlet mall…but that came after dinner.

i met josh for dinner at my favorite san marcos chinese buffet (great sesame chicken AND pepper steak…what more do you need?), august moon…two funny bits off of that..

1. they had the tv in the smoking section set to the discovery channel, who just in time for dinner was doing a show on roaches and rats….oddly enough, we got them to change the channel…to the SIMPSON’S!!!

2. when fortune cookie time came, josh got the EXACT SAME FORTUNE i’d written a bit about on this very site from the last time i went there…remember the annoying guy who felt he had to explain the “it’s better to have an egg today then a hen tomorrow (or vice versa)” fortune? he got the same thing…TOO damn funny.

then it was off to the outlet mall, because a cop said i had to…it was police orders. i hate to admit this to such a large group of people (yeah, right…MY readership….”large”) but i currently only own a CORDED drill….it’s not cordless. no recharge station near the wall. does that make me less of a man? i think so…and i feel it’s my duty to remedy that situation. when i borrowed the one from the office to fix the fence so my dogs wouldn’t get me in trouble with the city any more, i got spoiled…that was SO nice…no trailing an extension cord across the yard; no warm den when i’m done since i couldn’t shut the sliding glass door all the way BECAUSE of the cord…and i found the black & decker equivalent at wal-mart…it even had that fucked up wal-mart price ($49.86). but i hadn’t bought it yet…i was waiting to cash some reimbursement checks from work to do so, and i cashed them this morning. but between seeing the drill, and cashing the checks i went to lance’s. and he told me NOT to plop cash at wal-mart just yet…

“dude…what you NEED to do is hit the outlet mall and go to the black & decker store. they have better prices and better selection…then you can get EXACTLY what you want….”

for once, the phrases “better selection” and “outlet mall” didn’t stroke my “inner-chick” quite the right way (as they usually would) and my “shop-like-a-bitch” instinct wasn’t kicked on…

“but lance, i KNOW what i want, wal-mart has it, why don’t i just BUY the damn thing?”

“trust me…”

so, we went to the outlet mall…hit nike (it’s amazing what qualifies as “shoes” these days…some of them aren’t even fit for outlet sales…i don’t know if they ever did the retail thang. i’ve often wondered if there’s such a thing as “straight to outlet” fashion just like there’s “straight to video” movies…go to the aramani exchange store or look at half the shoes in the nike outlet and you’ll know what i mean…and NO, i’m not gay) then we went to black & decker…

did they have the same drill wal-mart has, but cheaper? no. did they have it for the same price? no. did they have it AT ALL?!?!? no. they had some sissified one that was about two notches BELOW it (for about eight dollars less than the one i wanted) and then one slightly above it (12.0 vs. 9.6 volts of power) for thirty bucks more, and then for TWICE as much, they had one that was 18.0 volts and had so much torque behind it that josh said i HAD to have it. this puppy had so much power behind it when you pulled the trigger it cocked your hand sideways on it’s own in you weren’t expecting it…

“dude…compare that (points at 12.0 one) to THIS (hands me 18.0 one)”

“yeah, but i don’t NEED that much….”

“man…you’ve GOT to have MORE POWER (great…he’s tim fucking allen)”

“no…you don’t…if that was the case, all dildos would come with pull ropes like lawn mowers…..”

(talk about a line that gets you noticed in a black & decker store)

so, we left there unsatisfied…and proving that “home improvement”‘s star hadn’t had TOO lasting an effect on us (but he IS the reason i got myself a lifetime membership in the professional lawn mower racing association…but never mind that now)

then it was off to the adidas store, where i FINALLY bought something….from the adidas GOLF collection…sleeveless, v-neck…ever since the arms have started to FINALLY look respectable to MY eyes, and the tattoos got recolored properly, i have been ALL about doing the sleeveless thing when i can…) this was pretty stylish, and just sweater-vestish enough for josh and his weezer-loving ass to feel like he influenced me. it was even a slight departure from my typical black or grey or blue selection..but was instead kinda a mossy olive green…”loden” green i believe it’s called.

and again, i am SO not gay…

then, we hit fubu, where i saw the biggest pair of “shorts” i’ve ever seen. don’t get me wrong, i’m ALL about the longer, low, thuggish shorts…practically all i wear. but these were almost too long for me to wear them as JEANS. and they were 54″ waist. they were the first $85 pair of shorts i’m pretty sure actually use $85 worth of materials. i held them up to the store and said in my best announcer voice…

“this was me before i discovered subway’s fresh food with only six grams of fat per sandwich”

josh lost it…so did the three black girls looking at the rack next to us. we left the mall….

the end.

y’all know i ONLY put the phrase “phone sex” in the title JUST to get you to read all the way to the end, right?