bonus lucky flashback friday bonus sixer

the following was phoned into my answering machine late on friday night, after three days of hard work in sa that more than doubled our outlet presence. my friday night plans got changed more times than the lotion refill inside a twenty-four hour nudie booth (not that i’d know about such things, of course) and ended up with me, all by my lonesome, eating fajita nachos, drinking THE most evil drink on the planet (frozen jack and coke…kinda like an adult slurpee, with plenty of kick), reading a hysterical book entitled “you are worthless”, who’s “serenity prayer” goes like this:

“oh, lord, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that you are a figment of my imagination, the courage to face my miserable life without pretending you’re somehow there for me, and the wisdom to stop hanging up stupid prayer placards in my kitchen.”

amen

so, my drunken ramblings, according to the answering machine that greeted me when i got home on saturday evening; entitled a six pack of ways to know you PROBABLY shouldn’t be driving…

1. when you go to take a piss, you lean against the divider wall and pass out for about ten minutes while whizzing in the urinal. this is PARTICULARLY true if you happen to be female.

2. as you leave, a uniformed (off duty) bexar county sheriff’s deputy asks you if you’re ‘cool’. you respond with, “do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?”.

3. you sit in your car for ten minutes in the parking lot, and ponder aloud as if it were the final jeopardy question worth a million dollars: “if he had downed the two jumbo-sized frozen jack and cokes, and had very little food, and been stupid enough to pop THREE hydroxycut capsules on an empty stomach before doing so thus speedballing his metabolism and causing the booze to hit a LOT harder, what WOULD jesus do?”.

4. you babble off a nirvana lyric as number four and you’re ALREADY DRIVING at the time…

5. you think of drinking as jogging and actually feel you’ll get your second wind after a run away from the restaurant and therfore plan on adding yet more fuel to the fire upon your return….(okay, that one proved to be pretty true, actually)