eff to the cees

this was, i believe, is an all time astrowhore first…

…a censored title. the original was “fuck all the cunts of the world”.

i was watching vh1 the other day and they showed hour five of their “undateable” series. i knew there were several – they had a marathon last time i was in the tattoo shop getting some work done, and i remember it being on when i looked at the tv as i walked in (around four), and it was still on when we finally went in to ink me in (seven), and it was STILL on when i got out (about nine or so). but the one i actually watched a good chunk of (at home) was hour five, which listed (i guess) social faux pas. the number ONE on the list?

saying the “c word”, i.e. “cunt”.

now, british people do it all the time – it’s common slang for them. the word being abrasive or offensive is a uniquely american thing – the people that invented our language, and that word, and have the queen on their money don’t find it offensive at all. in america? you might as well scream fuck in church while shitting on the pew it’s considered so offensive…particularly to the gender of americans that actually have one.

but i’m sorry ladies – much like my favorite word in the english language (fuck) there are times where simply no other word will do…

…take for example, the other day, when i was all happy and buzzed and went to buy snake food. as they were pulling out two frozen rats and sitting them on the counter (a sight not many people have seen OR are comfortable viewing the first several times, i must admit) a girl behind me commented that it was “gross” (my attempt to lift the mood by pointing out they were “spooning” didn’t help) and that she had a friend buy frozen mice once and that she said she’d never do it again because they “exploded”.

“come again?”, i remarked.

when she repeated that they exploded when her friend (NOT her) was trying to thaw them, i inquired if she had used a microwave to thaw them. when she replied in the affirmative i remarked that her friend was a dipshit, as only a dipshit would think to nuke a creature, alive or dead, in it’s entirety. i then turned around to pay.

she called me “an asshole”. without turning around i agreed with her that i was, in fact, an asshole (i’ll never deny that one) but that at least i was a bright enough asshole to know you don’t nuke an animal carcass, so at least i wasn’t a dipshit.

so i agreed with her – but she kept mouthing off, talking shit, commenting behind my back as i finished my transaction, and when i turned around her boyfriend (complete with boyband looking beard) was joining in and throwing me this “you better apologize” look. i just said, “shut up, chica, we’re done here” and told her boyfriend not to look at me like that. when he said, “like what???”, i had to genuinely wonder if he was continuing the tough guy routine or legitimately that stupid.

if you’d seen him you’d understand my momentary confusion.

i just responded with “you know what the fuck i mean” without raising my voice OR my pulse. and brushed past him as i walked out. he didn’t follow me. smarter than i would have given him credit for. but why did she have to keep mouthing off, causing drama, when i was talking about her friend (NOT her) for doing something CLEARLY stupid, calling me names, and even after i agree with her on that point she STILL causes enough drama to (possibly) get her guy fucked up?

only one word fits – she’s a cunt.

i have a friend who has a “friend” (in quotes for a reason – keep reading) who has, over the last few months, done everything she can to systematically destroy anything in my friend’s life that makes her happy. talking shit in all directions, backstabbing more than a manson family member on a bad acid trip, and when all was said and done pulling the hypocritical move of emulating all the shitty behavior she had condemned and judged only weeks before and then, adding insult to injury, trying to garner sympathy and support from my friend she had so royally fucked over.

only one word fits – she’s a cunt.

so if my use of this word makes me “undateable” (at least by vh1 standards) so be it. from where i’m sitting i’m undateable for any number of reasons, none of which were on the show. but if the cunt fits, wear it…

(in reading this back to catch grammar errors i sadly JUST caught the double entendre of that last sentence…damn, that’s pretty funny!)