where my money AIN’T goin’

slowly, but surely, everybody seems to find out i have a website…

…perhaps its nearly decade-long existence has something to do with that. anywho, as people find out, they tend to make recommendations – most miss. even more still by a long shot. but every now and again, they hit the nail on the head…this would be one of those times.

even rarer, it’s on a sixer…

(courtesy of my buddy mike pain)

six products somebody bothered to invent, but the world could really, really, REALLY stand to do without…

before i go further, i should mention that, after starting this, i realized a couple problems with this…

a. he only sent me four products
b. i couldn’t forward the images off my phone

so a couple of these i had to hunt out, and still others he sent i couldn’t get decent-sized images of. it should also be noted that he watches a LOT of food network, so most of these seem to be food related. but what’s food without booze…

6. XXXL stemware –

it should be noted this is the one product i actually got behind (although his came in the more humorous packaging that was actually labeled “make mine a LARGE one” or something to that effect). the glass is NOT in the foreground – that’s it compared to a full bottle. it’s a wine glass that holds an entire bottle – PERFECT for movie night where i’m sitting…

5. pizza scissors-

if you’re gonna CUT pizza, might as well CUT it – with scissors! and you can serve off them pizza sheers, too! i didn’t think this was that terrible an idea, just a little ghetto. the terrible ideas would be more like…

4. bacon SOAP-

it is LITERALLY what it says it is…why smell like an irish spring when you can smell like a yummy pork product? i think whoever uses this should be dropped in a pitbull daycare center to fend for themselves…and the people you attract with this would be…well…you get what you came for. seal the deal with a makeout session courtesy of…

3. cheez-balm-

she kissed a girl and she liked it – the taste of her cherry chapstick. i bet if her chapstick had tasted like cheez crackers we probably wouldn’t have gotten a fucking song out of it.

2. asswipes (no, seriously)-

yes, it is what it is. my girl leia LOVES her cats, and i don’t think even she would clean up with moist towelettes straight outta cat-ass. note the last two had witty tie lines from one to the next. this one i just couldn’t drag that way. but SPEAKING of ass…

1. handerpants-

if anybody can think of a real world practical application for these, you truly scare me.

(this was actually the first one in the email my buddy sent!)