don’t be a haiti

this one might make me unpopular…

…which would not be a first.

but i’m gonna jump right out and say it – in the wake of the tragedy in haiti and all the efforts going to help the homeless THERE i decided to buck the national trend and give some cash to the homeless HERE.

charity begins at home.

i’m not trying to belittle the tragedy to the hispanic folk (as haiti and the dominican republic occupy the island of hispaniola, they are the only people in the world i feel should be allowed to call themselves “hispanics”).

i’m just sayin’.

the economy in america STILL sucks (almost a year without full-time employment for me – a record streak i haven’t had since my thirty-eight year old ass was a teenager) there are more homeless HERE then there are THERE. and while haiti is the “cause de jour” among celebs these days, and their situation DOES suck, long after thom yorke and madonna and all the rest move on to a different cause the homeless in the states will STILL be homeless and the american economy will STILL suck. last month’s statistics show unemployment up in forty-three states. that’s 86% of the country getting worse, and the president and first lady are on TV telling me to text something so i can send a ten spot to haiti.

note to obama: hatians can’t vote for (OR AGAINST) you in the next election. that growing number of jobless americans can. how ’bout we keep the money domestic till our shit’s fixed, huh?

so, as long as everybody is gonna post that little yellow and blue cub scout looking ribbon on their facebook page calling for aid, i figure i’d cough up six ideas i figure will help but be a little less conventional…

(and before we go any further, folks – it’s HAITI. you know all that looting and lawlessness and shit you saw on the news? all the vigilante types with AK’s and shit? do you think they flew GUNS down? no – those were already there…it was NOT a five star resort island by any stretch. wikipedia them and try and count the amount of “civil wars” in their history – we’ve had ONE in four hundred years…they’ve had four since reagan was in office.)

6. smoke ’em ’cause you got ’em – i’ll take one for the team, and since tons of haitians are flooding into the domincan republic, i DID buy a box of cigars to help their economy since i figure, in the long run, it’ll get to the haitians that migrated over…what? if i bought girl scout cookies or candy from some soccer brat you’d think i was nice…i’m on a diet and cigars are low fat AND low carb!

5. send down madonna and angelina – to do some charity shots? a benefit concert? fuck all that – we’ll send ’em down to adopt some fucking kids! they like doing it, and they can give them a good life. are they SANE parents? oh, FUCK no…they’re far from…but they can get ’em to the best schools, introduce ’em to the right people…and isn’t that what it’s all about?

4. still twelve steps shy? you can help! – if you have a habit…yeah, you know what i’m talking about…head to miami and score your stash in little haiti! you think that charity concert money is getting their fast? fuck no! promoters – buses – ad time…those all gotta be settled up first. go to the criminal element in little haiti, it’ll be western unioned there that day…possibly even taken down in cash!

3. pull the boat the fuck over! – don’t worry cruise folks, i get it. you have to drive by compton to get to hollywood. through hialeah to get to coral gables. through east austin to get to westlake from my place. sometimes you have to just PASS the hood and pretend you don’t see it – that’s why all the cruises hit the virgin islands, jamaica, and the cayman islands and even though haiti is RIGHT there don’t stop. start to stop. okay, so MAYBE the fat guy from detroit in the plaid shorts and black socks and “motor city mad man” shirt gets shot. these things happen. but think of the tourist dollars they could start to rake in. hey, NOBODY wanted to go to america’s wang (i.e. “florida”) save for the beaches until disney settled in the swamp – and look at orlando now!

2. fuck the earthquake, make a hurricane! – throw a hurricane party, but make sure you use DOMINICAN rum! again, you’re helping the economy of the country where lots of haitians are fleeing, and if the new orleans thing taught us anything it’s that when people are uprooted from their homes and forced to relocate a job in the local economy is a GOOD thing.

and finally…

1. be totally unconventional and keep your money domestic – go to the store, buy all the canned food and supplies you would send to haiti, then bypass the new shiny bin at the local grocery store since helping haitians is THE thing to do right now, and take it to a local food pantry and help the homeless or economically downtrodden in YOUR OWN FUCKING BACKYARD.

again, this is not to belittle a tragedy or shit on people that need help – but when you fix dinner tonight you’re not gonna pack up the food and take it to the homeless and then come home and not eat…you’re gonna feed your family, and then if you have money leftover you give to the needy. why is the president encouraging us to send money abroad rather than help our own country?

i never thought i’d say this – but is this a black thing? if this had happened to an island filled with white folk would the first lady be telling me to text aid on over? again – i ain’t sayin’, i’m just sayin’…