sunday six shooter six pack

there is one quality about my home that is pretty anti-texas…

…no guns. i just don’t see a reason for it. if i ever enter a career in law enforcement (which, ya never know…) then maybe. otherwise, i don’t see it happening. every gun i’ve ever owned sits, gathers dust, and eventually gets sold off for close to what i paid for it. it’s like a savings account that can kill people. so, no firearms in da’ house – which the other night was a blessing.

i had to run to the grocery store – it was 11:45 at night on a tuesday. i figured in my little town this would be a quick trip. it took five minutes to drive there and park, another three to get my two purchases (milk and a forty pound sack of dog food) then i went to the ONE check-out stand (out of ten) they had still open since they were closing at midnight. SIX people were in front of me, and i could have put a bullet in any (or all) of them without reservation – here’s who they were, in actual order of who they were in line going back to me, the unlucky number seven (or zero, since we’re counting backwards…)

6. exact change girl – first off, i do this to a degree – but i have a rule. if it’s over fifty cents, let it go…you’re not getting THAT much back. her total was $17.94. she was SURE she had the ninety-four cents SOMEWHERE and boosted up a purse that rivaled her recyclable shopping bag in size. i think she smuggles refugees in that thing. and of course it can’t be in the wallet, she has to dig. she was able to excavate the ninety-four cents, along with two cell phones, a check book, a wallet, the femur from a tyrannosaurus, a korean who still thought the war was going on, etc, etc…

5. budget smoker – look, i get it. cigarettes have gotten hella expensive, and they’re only going up. that sucks. i’ve never BEEN a cigarette smoker (hell, i’ve never even smoked ONE) but at this stage is there really that big a difference between marlboro and camel and some two grade below doral crap called “asbestos frontier” or whatever that guarantees to put you out of your misery (i.e. kill you) faster due to it’s cheaper ingredients as reflected in it’s cheaper price tag? this guy thinks so, and as a result in addition to his TWO items (six pack of beer and doritos) he has her go get “asbestos on a stick” or whatever the true name of really cheap cigarettes should be – but of course, these cancer sticks on the cheap can’t be had from that overhead bin at the checkout line, so she has to get a manager up there to grant her access to the magic closet where they keep those, and the “cigars” they carry, as well as all the chewing tobacco and snuff. this is where my fuse REALLY started to burn faster (no pun intended).

4. little johnny and the anti-milf – normally i would list the parent first, especially when, in stark contrast to an expression i first heard on “american pie” and is now part of numerous url’s, we have this woman to pick on, but it turns out SHE wasn’t the customer. no, they didn’t have what she needed (a black executioner’s hood so maybe she could get laid?) but instead was letting her little bastard child buy candy with his allowance – and since he’s a “big boy” now (as he announced to all within the county – perhaps he’s just simple and this is really cruel of me?) he can count out his money all by himself…none of which is folding cash, and the kid is buying two bucks in chocolate. a hint for anybody that ends up in this situation – mumbling (not so quietly) “sweet FUCKING christ!” at this stage not only prompts the kid to point and say, “ooooooo…he said a BAD word!” but also lose his place and have to start over. and what the fuck was she doing with her kid in a grocery store at 11:45 on a fucking school night anyway? fuck me, that shoulda been it’s own bit…

3. the toxic avenger – the only thing this guy had going for him was the fact he was two people removed from me, and wasn’t annoying in the “take too much time sense”, just in the “shoulda been in a bubble” sense as he sat there, hacking and wheezing into his bare hands, then placing said hands all over the candy he touched but never bought (wonder where all those sick kids keep coming from) and the little rail next to the conveyor belt (which i made sure not to touch). one item in his hand (no basket) – the econo-jug of nyquil. i’ll send his widow a ham if him making the list is offensive…

2. fruit loop – this was the one person i recognized in line as she’s a clerk in the christian convenience store (i.e. bible verses always on the sign outside, lots of jesus corporate rip-off wear inside, you know where they take the harley logo and make it say “jesus god’s son” or whatever, and a drive-thru window so you can get beer delivered to your moving vehicle without ever getting out!) and she’s apparently on a health kick, which is amusing as she skinny enough to wear a negative size pair of jeans, and she was buying fruit. LOTS of fruit. well, not really lots – probably about a dozen pieces or so…but they were all DIFFERENT! i don’t know if she was planning on being carmen miranda for some party or something, but most fruit isn’t barcoded – they have to punch in a code and it goes by weight. so EVERY piece had to be entered individually…so close to the register, yet so far away…

but then, there was the one i woulda wanted to kill if she was the only one in front of me…

1. t.c.b. – and not meant in the elvis “taking care of business” way. you know what’s worse than somebody that writes a check at the grocery store? (and yes, shane, i know you did it yesterday so you could float the $50 extra till check day, and that’s okay) this girl – the Temp Check Bitch! she sat in line JUST as long as me, but never thought to start on the half testament of info you have to write on a temp check – then she STARTED with the amount, which she wrote for over her purchase, only to be told they don’t take temp checks at all, so the whole “i do this all the time” argument began (all the time? how long do you go before you get REAL checks?), and then the “senior checker” stepped in, who was senior enough to throw down the “we take temp checks but ONLY for the amount, NOT over” rule but not senior enough to open a SECOND FUCKING REGISTER so we wouldn’t have to wait so long. so, she had to write out her check info, plus all the “name, address, phone number, drivers license number” stuff at the top, and all for what? hand sanitizer. no bullshit. just HAND SANITIZER. two bucks on a temporary check at 11:45 at night on a tuesday for fucking hand fucking sanitizer.

fuck the swine flu – i hope a pig violated her prison-style that night.