easter resurrection bit

Author: Published: March 23, 2008 0 comments

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again…

…at this point i know i’m going to hell – i’m just jockeying for good parking and a killer table. hence, the blasphemous title for this weeks “friday flashback”, which due to the holiday will be an easter sunday one:

here come’s peter cotton tail….GET MY RIFLE!!!!
by sean ~ March 31st, 2002. Filed under: Uncategorized.
so, it’s easter sunday…that wonderful springtime tradition where good lil’ christians are hauled into church and taught how to be honest, and not worhip false idols, and share with others after they’ve spent the earlier part of the morning listening to their parents tell them lies about this bad-ass bunny who left all these eggs on the lawn, and if they don’t go grab all they can someone else will. and most of the confections, when not in the shape of eggs, are in the graven image of the bunny himself. i’ve never been able to figure out that eqaution…

“ressurection of lord and savior=eggs+giant rabbit”

at least santa claus KINDA makes sense. i mean, he’s a long-haired, bearded fat guy who gives shit out on jesus’ birthday. if jesus did truly cheat death, (and he is a long-haired bearded guy, coincedentally) he probably would want to live it up a bit. kinda like, “okay…did the starvation, live on the bare minimum, fourty days, fourty nights, give up all that people give me shit, and look where it got me. fuck this. pass me the pizza…it’s miller time” so after fourty or fifty years of bad food, a few beers, and hard living, he’d kinda LOOK like santa (or jerry garcia, but you can’t duck THAT similarity….and thousands of devout folk followed jerry, too…hey….WAIT A MINUTE!!!). and being as how people ALWAYS gave him stuff, he’d have more than he could handle, and would need to give some shit away. so on HIS birthday (seeing if anybody would figure it out with the date coincedence), he goes around and does just that. now THAT makes sense…but EASTER BUNNIES AND EGGS? lemme stew on this for a minute…

so, the ressurection means new life, and nothing symbolizes new life like eggs. bu rabbits don’t lay eggs, they give birth to live young. LOTS of live young, since they tend to fuck a lot. so, where does the egg/rabbit thing come into play? maybe when the other creatures of the woods saw how much action the rabbit was getting, they got kinda jealous and said, “hey rabbit dude…sometimes when you want some, you should just choke your chicken. that way your satisfied, but no more kids”.

problem is, the rabbit misunderstood (since he WAS doing miss rabbit at the time) and thought they said, “choke A chicken”, not “choke YOUR chicken”. so, the rabbit gets his urges hitting hard (in the spring, when easter just HAPPENS to be) and starts choking a chicken. well, the harder he squeezes, the more eggs pop out of the damn thing; and the poor chicken, thinking it’s being mugged, starts handing the eggs to the rabbit in hopes he’ll let go and be cool. well after a few too many times of this, the rabbit has all these eggs to deal with, so he stashes them around the chicken farmers yard. old mcdonald gets up one sunday mroning, sees all these eggs all over his yard, and being as how sunday is his ONE day off, convinces his kids to go pick e’m up, and a tradition is born.

don’t laugh…it COULD have happened this way, right? what kind of cigar is this i’m smoking right now, anyway???

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