g. netix

the last week or so has been…um…interesting.

to say the least.

see, due to a bit of unplanned, uncool family-based drama, my dad has been in town. my folks split when i was six, and he and i had, shall we say, a not-so-close relationship. actually, i guess the term “nonexistent” would fit a little better.

but in my generation, these things happen.

after my mom passed away (i.e. “died” – not meant as some kind of football term, which i’ve always felt like that sounded like) i decided the old man (don’t be offended, dad) and i needed to mend things. i made the effort, the reception was good, and after several sangritas at abuello’s in amarillo one night, all was well.

and has stayed that way ever since.

(2018 note – the “uncool…” mentioned above stemmed from my grandmother not wanting to live any more and deciding it was her time to go. she called my uncle and dad to her hospital bedside, said her good-byes, and closed her eyes…for about six seconds; just long enough for uncle tim to tear up. then both eyes shot open, she looked over at my dad, and said, “dudley, i didn’t die!”. he explained you can’t just WILL it to happen, she was actually in pretty good health, etc, etc. she said, “well then, get me some food and a coke – i’m starving!”. when my dad started to break up emotionally during her eulogy i stepped in and told this story so he could compose himself “off stage”, as it were, for a couple of minutes. that was at her funeral in december of 2007, over three years after this bit was written. say what you like, we mccauley folk are tough motherfuckers.)

last xmas i sat down with my cousin chris. my family has never been a close one (much to my dismay) and it was interesting to sit down with my “adopted” cousin (he’s not REALLY adopted, but since all the males in my generation of my family take after my grandfather (avg height, stocky, dark hair, dark eyes) and he DOESN’T, he looks that way) and i discovered some things i thought were just me…but learned were family traits.

a few things to know about the care and feeding of the males of my family:

hell, we’ll do a six pack – it fits, believe me…

1. we can hold our liquor, and all prefer crown (i’ll tell you a crown story in a sec)

2. we all have short legs (so buying pants is a BITCH!!! ever tried to find something shorter than a 30? inseam? do you know how bad it is when you’re girlfriend is seven inches shorter than you but her legs are four inches longer? actually, that’s kinda nice now that i think about it another way)

3. we are cold folk (i.e. the a/c can never be set TOO low in our homes)

4. we are all sarcastic pricks (although that might just be me and my dad – apparently a lot of our mannerisms are the same as well. i have NEVER seen a resemblance between us, but kramer said he did)

5. we can all eat our weight in dead animals (dad and i proved this at green mesquite last night – kramer and some redheaded sag are our witnesses)

6. we all read astrowhore!!! (well, two of us do – i’ll work on the rest)

the crown story (which shows the love of the canadian crack is hereditary) – when dad was in ‘nam, my grandfather used to ship him crown – but mail workers tended to crack open and drink liquor that was shipped in. to fix that, my grandfather used to buy a fifth of crown, and a pint of crown. he would then open the fifth, then open the pint and top off the fifth all the way to the brim. then he would recap and clean the bottle, and seal it with surgical tape. that not only gave dad an extra shot, but prevented it from gurgling, so mail workers wouldn’t know that liquid was in the box. see, all my family’s pretty bright, too.

one other note i meant to mention from when i went to miami – during my FOUR hour lay over in houston, i heard the following message a LOT:

inappropriate remarks or jokes about security procedures can and will result in your arrest

lighten up, h-town…the only person who handled my bag was that new guy from my neighborhood, abdul; but he SWEARS he’s cool…