wonder twins

what can i say? they’re not long enough to be their own entries, but their not short enough (or similar enough) to be a six pack or top ten or anything, so we have paternal twin entries; born at the same time, both parented by the voices in my head, but nothing alike…

mr. hitch’s revenge

remember when your high school and college algebra teachers told you that you WOULD need the horse shit they were teaching you in the real world? well, last night i LIVED a word problem:

if the thunderdeathstorm from hell leaves austin (point a), traveling southeasterly at 15 mph and an idiot (the me factor) waits only ten minutes after the rain has chilled in north austin to leave a friend’s place and then heads the SAME FUCKING DIRECTION traveling at 75 mph what is the probability that he will take it prison-style from said storm on his way home?

answer? pretty fucking likely. i have never driven through rain like that in my life. ever. i saw parts of a town i’ve lived in for twenty-five years flooded that i have NEVER seen flooded. vicious lightening right on top of me. not fun. not cool. at one point i crossed through water where i saw a wave of it wash up over the FRONT of my car, not just the side. and the worst part? right before i left to head home i was WATCHING THE FUCKING WEATHER and watching live dopler radar and saw it was all heading towards my house. then i waited for the skies to chill out where i was and took off in my car right towards the storm…which of course, at night, you can’t see that you’re doing that kind of thing. and the oscar for the biggest idiot in a storm or tragedy goes to…

what did he insure himself for?

did you hear the one about the guy who shipped himself from nyc to the big d because it was the cheapest way to get home and he didn’t wanna fly commercial because he had warrants? oddly enough, this is NOT a joke. a guy packed himself into a 42x36x15″ crate and fifteen hours after he was loaded onto a truck in the bronx he was in desoto just out side of dallas. problem was, they started to open the crate in view of the courier service and he got popped. now he’s facing federal charges as well for “stowing away” on the plane. what i HAVEN’T been able to find is which service he used…ups? fed ex? airborne express? and even more a curiosity…what amount did he insure himself for?

reminds me of a story…

(what a surprise)

once upon a time, a friend of mine called me to ask me a rather odd question…

“want an alligator?”

i said, “sure”, expecting a stuffed animal of some sort. NOT what i got. what i got was a real, live, two foot and some change caiman. and a big aquarium to put him in. etc. etc. and he was a MEAN lil’ fucker (the caiman is notoriously the most vicious of the crocodillian clan). after he got out of the tank a time or two (i had to call animal control to get him) i decided he needed to go. we found a home for him, and the guy paid me to ship him up.

so i started making calls. and not even accurate ones.

i knew if i called around saying i was trying to ship a three foot croc it was gonna cost an arm and a leg and most would simply answer with a phrase that rhymes with my buddy that owns a chinese buffet on the north side of town…

(his name is chuck fu)

so i said it was a live IGUANA. both green reptiles that walk on all fours. not a TOTAL fib, right? well, neither fed ex nor ups nor airborne express would touch it. but the post office would. so, as per the guidelines a reptile store gave me for shipping such a monster securely, he was packed and shipped. but this meant actually carrying him (in a box and many, many layers of packing “materials”) to the post office and then waiting in line. then the yocals come into play….

“whatcha shippin’?”
“a live lizard”
“what kind of lizard?”
“an iguana”
“how big is he?”
“um…not small”
“can i see him?”
“nope…he’s all packed up. and i’m having him kept cold so he hibernates through the whole experience”

(that was the one factual statement to come out of my mouth, with the exception of the destination…which was the next question, after he dribbled out a mixture of his own spit and chewed up skoal)

and now he’s in a group of creepy-crawly things that tours inner-city new york schools so kids can see what these animals look like in person. i insured him for $1,000 when i shipped him, so if anything DID happen, i could reimburse the guy that took him (we donated the croc to the kids if he paid for shipment) plus i’d have a little something, you know, for the effort. but i still wonder what mr. warrant jumper insured himself for.

Replies: 5 Comments

My father’s college iguanas are still at the San Antonio zoo. They’re rather nice fellows, actually.

the redhead scorpio said @ 09/15/2003 07:41 PM CST

you should see him now, the little fucker ain’t so little anymore.he’s bigger than a football, and eats like a horse. brat isn’t as big as she should be, rufus hogs all the food, so brat doesn’t have a chance.

shane said @ 09/15/2003 02:08 PM CST

yeah, i just remember the runs to hickory street to get grub for your african spur tortoise that lived in the office for a while. watching that thing tear through a pile of ruffage like speedy gonzales through a border town whore house was just cool…

sean said @ 09/15/2003 09:49 AM CST

i had bad luck with reptiles for a while.had an emerald swift that was crushed to death by a cat laying on the screen top to his aquarium, the screen fell through and cisco went splat! then a couple of months later our sand boa got out of his tank and was eaten by a ferret.it was like wild fucking kingdom in my living room.

shane said @ 09/13/2003 09:19 PM CST

I once had to watch a skink (no, not a skank, a 2 foot long south american lizard) for a week. He ate nothing but fruit. He would sneak out of his cage and shit in the closet. It was funny because it sounded like person taking a shit. sorry, no wisdom came with it, but that’s not why I come here..

greg said @ 09/13/2003 09:46 AM CST