lil’ thangs

ah, the little things…

that’s what i’ve been told you women appreciate. a little wine, a little music, a little romance. a little too many phone calls, a little too often you show up at their office, a little too many times you leave a random cat carcass on the windshield of their car while they’re at church. the next thing you know, you get a restraining order served to you.

but never mind that now.

let’s talk about some more subtle things. occasionally the one you love isn’t someone you like. hopefully this is just a temporary thing. if it’s not, then move on. if it is, you still wanna get some of that bad juju out of your system. revenge can be small and petty; just like the person doing it.

(not to imply that most of my readers are petite, you understand).

but here, to close out list week, is a list of subtle things you can do to get under the skin of that special someone. all you need is some access to their private space (no, not an anal reference) combined with my list. and if you can’t piss off the one you love, then love the one you can piss off.

or something like that.

1. re-hang their toilet paper in the annoying, underhand fashion

(NOTE: if it’s typically that way anyway, RUN)

2. if their CDs are organized alphabetically, re-arrange them in order of what you like most to what you hate most.

3. call their house when you know they’re at work and fill the answering machine with ambient noise.

(NOTE: best done from a payphone on a busy street or in front of a store to save the caller i.d. problem)

4. put the cat box outside (if they live in an apartment complex or cat-filled neighborhood) so EVERYONE gets a turn.

5. replace one battery in each remote control with old ones you found in a drawer somewhere (or, if you wanna be really cruel, do it to your “substitute” she keeps in her nightstand).

6. let fresh shrimp “ripen” behind the blinds of the bedroom window for a day or two while they’re out of town.

7. get a 64 ounce mug from wal-mart. label it “shower stuff” with a permanent marker. proceed to fill with every shampoo, conditioner, leave-in treatment, shower gel, facial scrub, etc, etc, etc to get the bath tub “less cluttered”.

8. mow the lawn, then store the unwashed mower in her closet.

9. buy the nastiest, raunchiest porn you can get your hands on, and PURPOSELY leave it in the dvd player or vcr.

(NOTE: this could actually have damn positive results)

and finally…

10. shrink the last pair of jeans she tried on and asked you if they made her ass look fat.

Replies: 6 Comments

i’m shocked no one has mentioned the first part; borrow money first, and the blockbuster/hastings card.

Harold said @ 08/30/2003 12:42 AM CST

Sorry for the space, sean. I have no way to edit. 1, 2, and 3, revised.

1.) Put the toilet paper on the roll.

2.) Alphabetize cd’s? Then you can’t use them as coasters.

3.) I already get phone calls like that from the jail.

the scorpio redhead said @ 08/29/2003 09:52 PM CST

O.k., here’s why most of these wouldn’t work.

1,2, & 3. I’d run from anyone who even cared. Very early on.

#4 ditto for anyone who has cats. I take my dog out on field trips saying,”Let’s go torture the kitties”. (Certain male blondes are excepted from the No Cats rule, of course.)

#5 I don’t keep my right hand in my nightstand.

#6 & 8. Dog would get to both before any damage could be done.

#7 You’re implying I wash.

#9 You just never know…

#10 Sometime only a little after A.D., my ancestors were from Northern Africa, so the answer to that question is always,”Hell yes, and get over it.”

the scorpio retchhead said @ 08/29/2003 09:02 PM CST

okay, that’s just gross.besides, if you have dingle berries, maybe you should work on those instead of inflicting fecal matter on the female in question.you’ll never get head if her chin bumps on your clingons.

shane said @ 08/29/2003 07:38 PM CST

I might’ve missed it, but those puffy sponge-like thingies they use in the shower? Vigorously clean your scrotum with it. Every day. Your dingle berries will become permanently embedded to it.

gorgamel said @ 08/29/2003 04:42 PM CST

how about these…
1)have her cat put to sleep, and stuffed to make it a low maintenance pet.
2)make friends with her ex and invite him(or her as the case may be) over for talks about those funny noises she makes in bed.
3)call her boss and ask if she can get time off for those damn anger management classes.
4)ask her father if there is any special significance to her asking you to”spank me daddy”.
5)if all else fails,send in naked photos of her to your favorite porn mag’s homegrown honeys section, cause you think she is so hot.

shane said @ 08/29/2003 11:25 AM CST