why i used to wanna fuck an aerobics instructor, but now not so much…

i think her name was jennifer…which should have been the first hint of disaster. but this was a time in my life that was pre-jennifer-disaster-pattern-spotting (seriously…does ANYONE know a jennifer who is stable? just curious…) and pre-college graduation. she was in my abnormal psych class, blonde, hot, and had a body that just SCREAMED for sin; and a james avery jewelry fetish that seemed to hint that sin was far from possible…

but DAMN do i loves me a challenge sometimes…

so, she and i started chatting a bit and ended up going to lunch a time or two. i wanted her BAD, and for some reason this was compounded one day when i went to work out at the rec center and saw her teaching a step class. black sports bra, black thong over black biker shorts…..mmmmm…..VERY nice. and every toned, tanned curve perfectly in place. we ended up grabbing a bite after her class (and my workout) when she asked me to dinner at her place the next night saying she wanted to cook for me.

cool, huh? nope…

she said that she wanted to do all this…dinner…the two of us….yadda-yadda-yadda…and it HAD to be on a wednesday. because afterwards she had VERY special plans for us. and yes folks, these were CLOTHED plans. she wanted us to go to this non-denominational bible group she had joined after dinner. when i told her i wasn’t really into the study of historical fiction, but the dinner was cool, she said it had to be all or nothing. and that’s when i learned where the TRUE evil in this world lurks…

christians who use hottie blonde aerobics instructors to recruit new members. so after all that (and this incident repeated itself between she and i for most of the rest of the summer…i swear, christians just will not take no for an answer…) i made the same decision that any red-blooded american male would make…

i HAVE to nail an aerobics instructor just for the karmic balance of things. so that was on the “to do list”, as it were. until yesterday. when i actually WENT to an aerobics class. well, it was spinning class, but instructor-wise, it’s basically the same thing. and to keep my mind preoccupied, i started to think about what this girl in front of us must be like in bed…and that sent a shudder down my spine. and not in a good way.

i’d always pictured them as almost TOO perky. TOO upbeat. i mean, i wanna be happy…but could i stand being that fucking happy? and at the same time, would you want someone who can speak that clearly and that loudly during aerobic activities? i wonder if it would be helpful. i’m all about the open communication thing at any time in any relationship…and that DOES include during sex. if you like what’s going on, lemme know. same thing if you DON’T. but i don’t know if i’d want someone who could shout phrases like…

“push it harder…”
(okay that one i’ve heard)

“this should really hurt…”
(okay..that one could be cool…)

“feel that burning?”
(unless candles are involved, that would be a BAD thing, wouldn’t it? particularly if it’s a girl you JUST picked up at a mexican bar and she’s a local)

“gimme all you got…”
(heard that one too…sometimes that one gets regretted later)

“i don’t think you’re trying…”
(that one would be especially painful)

“you’re almost there…”
(who? me? honey…i’ve been ‘almost there’ since three thrusts into this…that’s why right now i’m trying to balance my checkbook in my head and remember if i set the vcr to record the simpson’s later instead of focusing on those awesome breasts of yours bouncing up and down below me in your half torn-off hooter’s tank top…just let me know when YOU’RE almost there, okay?)

makes it even worse if she uses that damn headset, i suppose. plus, with spinning you have the whole bike thing, and you get to adjust your level of difficulty as you go, as per her instructions of course…and that’s where a phrase that could REALLY cross over comes into play….

“RELEASE THE TENSION….”
(okay…YOU said so.)

no wonder they require you to bring a towel. my sincerest apologies to the blonde in front of me who OBVIOUSLY does these classes on a regular basis (going off the ass rhythmically bobbing side to side in front of me for forty-five minutes last night). but it WAS instructed of us. she just should have been more specific and said the BIKE’S tension.

a lifetime ban from a gym means just THAT one and not the whole chain, right?

Replies: 10 Comments

As my true name begins with “J” I felt the need to call all of you on this one. You all know damn good and well that we get those special newsletters, and the x-mas cards!!

Harold said @ 01/01/2003 11:56 AM CST

but i AM confused by all this…i don’t have a single ‘j’ in my name, and i’ve always been told i was the devil’s spawn…so what the hell?

sean (but wait…) said @ 12/20/2002 11:22 AM CST

see? now josh is all upset, and we’re going to have to medicate him again. that’s the problem with throwing down stereotypes. we were even able to come up with a jennifer (but, believe me, only ONE) who is not a hell-queen.

kathi said @ 12/20/2002 08:54 AM CST

yeeeah. my name also starts with j. and ok, i suffer from psychosis. sometimes i just want to kill…kill…kill…

josh said @ 12/19/2002 02:26 PM CST

I meant to have that percentage read 98%… you must be in that 2%.

the redhead said @ 12/19/2002 01:19 PM CST

Excuse me, my name begins with a J and while I may be many things, I am not psychotic. The devil’s spawn … naaah, my life just isn’t that exciting.

Y’know, I always wanted to write an erotic story centered around a bike class. You beat me to it. Damn.

Jette said @ 12/19/2002 09:56 AM CST

I would have paid good money to see you in a spin class. you need to let me know next time so i can print some tickets to sell

JAB said @ 12/19/2002 09:13 AM CST

Take it from someone who deals with loads of kids on a daily basis: 99% OF KIDS WITH A NAME STARTING WITH ‘J’ HAVE EITHER PSYCHOSIS OR ARE THE DEVIL’S SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!! I won’t provide specific examples but here are a few of the names I will never have as a part of my family: Justin, Jenny, Jasmine, Jerome, Jamin, Jamore, Jessica, Jeffrey, Joseph, Jonathan…. need I go on?????

the redhead said @ 12/19/2002 07:36 AM CST

devil-whores named jennifer have been cutting holes in the psyches of my nearest and dearest for decades. I won’t sleep for a week trying to think of one who has even ONE redeeming virue, let alone enough to be labeled STABLE!!! thanks a lot!

kathi said @ 12/18/2002 10:47 PM CST

personally, i like to go over the batting average leaders from 1989…tony gwynn .336, will clark .333…and so on.

josh said @ 12/18/2002 05:43 PM CST