“this is a locker room…”

ya wanna know where the subject line came from? i went to the gym tonight, and was coming up with another workout related bit i wanted to do, when about half way through i finished my workout. so, i went to the locker room to get dressed, and there was one of gold’s gym’s finest giving a tour to a newbie. great…and as he walked in, that is ACTUALLY what he said.

“this is a locker room…”

can you believe that shit? how do you follow that line?

“and this is a bench…this is where you plant your ass so you can put on your shoes…”

at least that’s what i THOUGHT i said quietly under my breath. but apparently it wasn’t TOO quiet, going off the look i got from little mister tour de gym. so of course later, we probably could have heard…

“and THESE? these are weights…they’re heavy things you lift up and down repeatedly to increase your size and definition.”

wonderful. remedial fitness. i was kinda surprised to see this new guy in there. not a lot of new traffic this time of year, i thought. then i started to realize what was up when i saw his bag. it still had his high school logo on it, although he looked to be a good decade out of high school. still sporting the class ring, too. and he had more than just a BIT of a gut. then it hit me; what time of year it was. it was turkey guilt/i’ll show ’em time.

allow me to explain.

see, austin’s population is mainly two types of people…the freaks and the students. as kramer so eloquently put it, the majority of austin (south side in particular) is all small town refugees (and usually the more artistic of the bunch) who wanted to break free of the oppressive shackles of their small town to commune in a place with twenty-four hour vegetarian breakfasts and twenty-four types of coffee to go with it where they could learn massage therapy and have access to decent weed…so they came here. as did students for ut. and acc (who all say they plan to transfer to ut, but most seldom do). and concordia. and st. edwards. and whatever else in the name of higher education has taken over an abandoned mega store or strip mall this month.

but all these people do have homes. and austin ain’t actually it.

no, home is where the mom guilt is, and a good chunk of them went home recently for one of the two winter parent’s place pilgrimage days, the second of which is coming up towards the end of this month. and a good portion of them experienced one of three things…

a. a parent or friend who hadn’t seen them in a while getting just enough booze (or having enough of a natural asshole factor) to tell them how much they’re starting to “let themselves go…”

b. an ex or someone they had a crush on in high school that they ran into at the video world or h.e.b. or something that still looks REALLY good and mentioned the idea of getting together for coffee over christmas when they’re back in town since the ex will have the kids and the divorce will be practically final…

c. mom fed you until you couldn’t see in color any more.

d. all of the above.

ALL of which motivates someone to try and undo six (or more) years of doritos and beer and pizza in four weeks. good fucking luck. but this is how gyms make their money, and why they have contracts. they DAMN well know you won’t go for more than a month of three (i should say most, not all on that one) but if they get you to sign for a year, you have to PAY for a year. that’s why the the old texas barbell company in lockhart texas is a brilliant place. they HAVE no contract. but your first month costs more than your second. and your second more than your third. it doesn’t get down to something reasonable until after six months. why? ’cause he knows most would have bailed by then and that way he got you for what he could before you lost all hope. wanna avoid the crowds at the gym? or know when there might be a bit of the eye candy handy? know the shifts and waves that come in as the calendar progresses…

late november to late december

more specifically, the week after thanksgiving till just before christmas. and we’ve already covered why. then there’s a dead week between christmas and new year’s where you can actually move about freely until one of the BIGGIES hits…

the first full week in january

“for 2003 i resolve to lose 20 pounds by years end. yes, it’s five pounds less than i promised myself i’d lose in 2002. but since i only gained ten in 2002, this would be erasing that PLUS another ten, which i feel is a more realistic goal. that whole “25 lb” thing scared me ’cause i went in, lifted a 25 lb. plate, realized how much that was, and got depressed that i was already lugging that much extra me around. then when i walked outside, i saw baskin & robbin’s across the parking lot, which i saw as a sign from god that this wasn’t my year to lose 25 lbs, but instead to try all 31 flavors. i don’t like bubblegum.”

nice.

this wave dies down by february, and then it’s slow for the shortest month of the year. in the middle there IS valentine’s day, but that tends to pass without incident or crowd burst ’cause it’s more a couple’s holiday and say what you will, you’re either gonna get some or you’re not. i have never gotten any on valentine’s day. sucks to be me. let’s move on before i get depressed; at least for THIS one i get to see santana in sa…

march madness

this is when the REAL eye candy hits the gym. why? spring break. they went bikini shopping, saw what they looked like in it after an entire winter of pub grub and baggy sweaters and went, “ick”. now it’s work that ass time, so the college girls come in in droves to look good for their daddy-bought trip to cancun.

then you have the week of slowness in the gym that is spring break, followed by the combo rush…the girls who thought they looked okay but then saw what they looked like compared to the other girls on the beach and now wanna do it just for themselves, combined with barely legal (in hustler terms) girls who wanna be able to shoehorn themselves into a size six prom dress not realizing that if they just go up a size they’d still look good and it would make it easier on their date come the end of the night.

right about the time the prom wave subsides, you get the group of folks in to kick off the late spring / early summer rush of either…

a. trying to undo the TEN (or more) years of yadda-yadda-yadda so they can show up all those popular fucks that have let them selves go when they coast in stag at the high school reunion and possibly score a one-nighter with some blast from the past, or…

b. trying to go down a dress (or tux) size (or two or four) before they have to be seen in front of god or the fates or whoever as they stand by the victim friend of their peer group this summer who’s getting married. again.

march madness usually will carry you through most of the summer; but of course here in texas, the oppressive heat DOES tend to slow up the crowd ’cause you work up a major sweat, walk out of the gym, and…well…sweat some more. so summer, with the exception of the “must look good by the pool” crowd is typically a bit slow…but then comes the “this semester i’m gonna take OFF the freshman fifteen” crowd, which carries us back into the holidays, and we start all over again. yee-haw.

*2022 point of pride – all spelling errors corrected without any reference, unless intentional words duped spell check, of course*