prison-style for $31

so, this was my monday part ii…and by that, i don’t mean this is about monday, just that tuesday seemed like another monday. so, after a lightweight dinner and heavyweight booze (texas road house actually has margaritas bigger and quite possibly STRONGER than chacho’s…still don’t know if they’re worth the $16 they charge, but they were pretty fucking good) i head home to a dry spell…

now, the term “dry spell” is not meant as some criticism of my sex life, you understand…it’s meant LITERALLY. allow me to explain (who’s surprised?)

on her last “bender” through the house (and hopefully THE last, but never mind that now) copper did some docu-shredding again, this time to some mail, which was all worthless junk mail, political ads, and the utility bill.

on that note, allow me to add that i went out last night, in part, to celebrate election day being behind us…i have NEVER been so slammed with political bullshit since i left the hightower show a couple of years ago. when i stayed up at the office late on monday, i called the house to check messages around seven and found i had SIX…five of which were prerecorded “vote for me” messages. rest assured NONE of those motherfuckers got my vote…but i digress…

so, the utility bill was due on the first, but what with koRn and halloween and all it just didn’t happen. when i went to drop a check for it this weekend, i couldn’t find the bill but discovered it’s remains up under the couch; though not enough to get the amount…thus kinda reinforcing my decision to ban her from full house access when i’m not at home. i figured since we were out of the summer months, the bill couldn’t be much over two hundred, if that, so that’s what i wrote the check out for.

well, due to the size and assumed ferociousness of my canine tribe, the city doesn’t read my electric meter…i do. and when i forget to turn in my slip, they just guesstimate what they figure it should be, which in this case was WAY heavy, and my september bill was $231.

how do i know this with no bill?

well, when i got home from my late office night and many political messages i discovered a notice of pending disconnect saying i owed $231, but in little letters added “plus 10% late fee”, thus making it $254. if you’re LESS than fifty bucks in the hole to the city, they float you…more, and they disconnect you. i didn’t know this. i figured i was floatable. especially with the highlighted phrase “if you’ve already paid or made arrangements please disregard this notice”, and since their balance didn’t reflect the check i had dropped off, i figured i was actually okay.

then came tuesday night…LATE tuesday night.

i get home and due to the vast lake of booze i had sucked out of the world’s largest margarita glass, i had to hit the head. once nature’s call was answered i hit the handle and got no response. “fuck, my toilet’s broken” i thought, and wandered out to take care of the dogs. i got them food, played with them a bit, but decided freshening up their water would be a good call. i dump out the half bowl they have, turn the kitchen faucet, and NOTHING.

NOW this REALLY sucks.

i go out to my front door (which i never use save for when food’s delivered) and there’s a disconnect notice. it says i owe the $54…PLUS a $25 re-connect fee…PLUS a $150 deposit. grand total $229. will you be using pina colada or wild cherry scent to lube me up for this one? so i had to use my jug of ozarka to take care of the dogs and brush my teeth, and then passed out. the only semi-good thing was i thought the city offices opened at 8:30 (it was actually 8:00) so i slept in a bit…but i still think this was pretty fucking ridiculous….although not as bad as some of the $1000+ debts that i’ve seen austin folk run up to their utility company over a period of MONTHS; try that in lockhart sometime…i DARE you.