a lesson on being a guy

okay, admittedly i’ve talked about this kinda thing before – being a GUY. i’ve lambasted guys who listen to cher, for example. or driven a miata. now, if your girl listens to cher, or drives a miata, or has you escort her to a cher show IN her miata, that’s okay (not that i’m throwing personal shit in here, you understand). but there are certain things a guy should always defend, and they are (in order, if you’re smart):

1. his woman (and kids that he knows of, if applicable)
2. his home & car
3. his friends
4. his dogs
5. his remote control

now, the only one that ALWAYS needs to stay in it’s place (particularly if you know what’s good for you) is number one. the rest are kinda floaters…and if they happen to cross, THAT’S where you have issues. if the woman can’t hang with the dogs, some negotiations might be in order. for example, if the dogs ATTACK the woman or kids, then it’s time for them to go. ideally your woman and MOST of your friends will get along well (don’t kid yourself, there will ALWAYS be one in your group you could ditch and have a LOT more lengthy blowjobs in your world, kinda like that one in her group YOU can’t stand; and she probably has the secret threesome friend in your group, too…kinda like that girl your girl has been tight with since high school that you kinda, sorta, wouldn’t mind seeing your woman with right before she turns to you and says, “join us”, and then you wake up? yeah, she’s got one of those from your circle, too…and if you’re lucky, she’s thinking of a FEMALE friend of yours, but i digress). and if NONE of them get along, then you need to look at things and ask yourself, “where did i go wrong?”

i had a minor collision of worlds when i got home friday night. nothing major, but some minor shit. copper, the destructo-pup crawled from my pillow to the table next to my bed, and pulled down the remote control the cable company gave me; the one i’d programmed to work the tv, the vcr, AND the cable box. so now, if i wanna watch tv in the bedroom, i have to actually turn the tv on BY HAND….

i might as well put on a fucking skirt!

and fates FORBID the phone rings – i reach for the volume control (i’ve pulled in the unused cable box remote from the den, but the manuals are long since gone and it’s not programmed) and nothing happens. so i have to turn off the cable box completely (since that’s all the fucker will control) or get up and turn the volume down by hand; it’s like elementary school all over again – NOT cool.

so, needless to say, copper’s bedroom rights have been suspended for the time being. the dog fucking with the remote control is kinda like when my buddy’s kid thought the vcr was hungry so he fed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into it’s “mouth” so it would feel better.

it didn’t feel better.

well, maybe the bad part of the weekend is behind me now. at least tonight, when i get off from working the “hoobastank” show, whatever a hoobastank is (okay, NOW i sound in my thirties, don’t i?) there will be an extra hour to throw booze down my throat, which i VERY much plan to do…