let the dogs out…PLEASE

okay, NOW i have seen too much. i have seen things go too far. and in wal-mart, of all places. as janine garafalo said in the truth about cats and dogs, “love your pets, but don’t LOVE your pets…”. this of course does NOT go for the human ones, but never mind that now. i’ve talked about my canine tribe on here many a time…calum has gotten his fair share of time on the whore, buffi not so much…and copper has clearly stole the show as of late. all great dogs. all have their bad side, and their good side. and think about this…they live with ME. they see me ALL the time…live in my house. are surrounded by my stuff. how many of YOU could deal with that and not go ass-up nuts? this says a LOT about this group, who’s combined weight is actually more than ME…

i may talk about them (and on occasion, to them) as if they were little, furry, people. i’m a big, furry person…there’s a kinship there. but you know one way i will never, ever, EVER personify them? their fucking WARDROBE!!! they wear collars. how many of YOU would i let lounge around my house in just a collar? (have fun answering THAT one). but that’s it…and i know people who are worse. the one group i can kinda, sorta excuse from this are little, older women who have those annoying-assed yipping rats that are always shaking ’cause they’re cold so grandma knits them a sweater. TOTALLY cool. at least she knows that’s a sweater that will get WORN, unlike those ungrateful bastard grand kids who just put it in the closet and forget about it. and they’re kinda lonely, and like doing that sort of thing. plus, i HATE the little rodents of the doggie world….so it’s kinda nice to see them humiliated and all.

i even know a guy who not only has clothes for his dog, but a full-on gordon’s fisherman-style rain slicker AND matching hat that he makes the poor thing wear when it goes out to “do it’s business” in the rain. the dog is also old enough to fucking DRIVE, and got hit by a car about a year and a half ago and SURVIVED. it can’t die from shame OR a chevelle. it has to ride out it’s pain, both mental and physical, for all eternity…so, if you’ve ever wondered where hitler was reincarnated, i think we have a winner.

but today at wal-mart took the fucking cake. i went in to get a two week supply of pup grub (40 lb sack of iams large breed) and decided to look for a few things, including halloween costume stuff. i’m going as the ultimate evil priest…complete with satanic bible and the ever popular crucifix that if some of you not-so-good little girls on sixth street come up and kiss for luck JUST right (for the amusement of me and any little catholic school girls gone bad i might happen upon and be dragging along (literally) with me as i make my pilgrimage through downtown austin) then you might end up at a VERY nice after party…but never mind that now. downside is, so far, no priest frock that’ll fit a guy with a 51″ chest and the arms and shoulders to accompany it.

but wal-mart had something even MORE demented than what i’ll be doing the 31st…they have halloween costumes for DOGS!!! what the FUCK? and COMPLICATED ones…like snow white and shit. and they cost more than most of the CHILDREN’S costumes. now THAT’S some fucking priorities, huh? so, for any of you who would subject you’re “loyal friend” to this, please, i beg of you, kneel before my chevy as it plows down the highway at 75 mph…not to put YOU out of your misery, ’cause you probably think you’re okay. but for the sake of your pets. think about it. do you realize that if your pet went to doggie prison that NO ONE gets the bitch treatment quite like a mutt pup that once dressed as a cowboy? do you REALLY need to reenact the village people on all fours?

(shut the FUCK up, all of you who caught the other way that could be interpreted..)

if you have the urge to buy one of these, and just can’t fight it, buy it, then wander over to the meat counter and get some beef drippings. then go home, put the pup in the clown suit, and stop feeding it for about a week. the lay down on the living room floor, splash the beef juice across your throat, and let your dog come and put an end to BOTH your pain and suffering. trust me, you’ll feel better. and so will the rest of us.

Replies: 11 Comments

here fishy, fishy, fishy…

537 said @ 10/18/2002 05:43 PM GMT

astrofishy doesn’t COWER, damn it…he just feels out of water when the woman is the aggressor…makes him feel like he needs to be more feminine…and if that hippy gets much more feminine, it’ll be a SKIRT, hawiian shirt, and tevas for her..i mean, um, him.

cardinal sean said @ 10/18/2002 02:04 PM GMT

astrofishy might be in the corner cowering because someone’s showing him attention.

god again, silk boxers today said @ 10/18/2002 01:43 PM GMT

i don’t think astrofishy wants to play 🙁

537 said @ 10/17/2002 10:05 PM GMT

who said i was playing a character?
and i’m quite certain that 537 was trying to get your attention.

god in flannel boxers said @ 10/17/2002 06:24 PM GMT

what about god? she’s gonna be joining us and the character she’s playing is based on someone around your age…and i think that 537 individual was trying to get your attention.

deacon sean said @ 10/16/2002 05:05 AM GMT

how about, “Li’l Miss Naughty’s special [friend, baby sister, MILF, whatever]?

Just no dogs?

astrofishy said @ 10/16/2002 12:17 AM GMT

sorry, fish boy; unless you’re REALLY cute and female lil’ miss naughty is ALL mine…for that night, anyway.

father sean said @ 10/15/2002 07:55 PM GMT

astrofishy you can come play with me

537 said @ 10/15/2002 06:52 PM GMT

Astrofishy, sorry you can’t play that would be weird…..

the ever popular naughty catholic girl

Little Red Devil Girl…I mean..naughty catholic girl said @ 10/15/2002 03:07 PM GMT

well, it looks like I’m going to have to tag along with you on Valentine’s Day, I mean, Halloween. After all, I am a card-carrying minister. You could always use my help with those naughty catholic girls.

astrofishy said @ 10/15/2002 01:53 PM GMT