red docu-shread

so, in the great saga of copper, the red-headed pitbull in training, she continues to “get used” to living here, marking her territory in various ways…

…the “usual” way (and i think you ALL know the uncool thing i’m speaking of with that) and the “pitbull way”, i.e. DESTRUCTION.

it was kinda interesting one day…i had bought a toy car for my desk at work…big, shiny, metal 69 camaro with an all-over american flag design to where it looked like a cartoon of the american version of austin power’s “shaguar” come to life. i brought it home, pulled it out of the box to admire it, and then left it sitting next to the empty box on my rather low, kramer-inherited, coffee table when i went out that night, undoubtedly to go drinking with josh.

when i arrived home, a bit closer to morning and a bit farther from reality, i opened the door to see a CHUNK of the camaro box about a foot from the entrance to my house. then another. and another. the box had been turned into confetti, and it all lead back to the coffee table, where the camaro sat untouched. she had JUST destroyed the box. considering this WAS the pup who had very early on destroyed my 1946 indian motorcycle model so i couldn’t finish building it, this was impressive. she had learned: destroying dad stuff is okay, as long as it’s not stuff he gives a shit about.

she’s continued to tear mostly into paper and cardboard with reckless abandon. i have to admit, there IS something a bit annoying about sitting on your couch when you get home, looking down and seeing the remains of various boxes and paper bags and newspapers and such all littered around two perfectly good, relatively untouched, chew toys. she LOVES the paper stuff. great. my pitbull has a paper fetish…

which brings us to putting her to use. see, odd thing about the general public. they love free shit. they do. even if it’s little. even if it’s just the ABILITY to get free shit. they are ALL over it. if you ever get to work in radio, you see it in SPADES. the amount of humiliation or annoyance someone will go through to get a cd, or a shirt. those shirts are printed in bulk, and typically paid for by a sponsor of the station. if they ARE paid for out-right, they cost around $5 a piece. if i told you to do something foolish and potentially embarrassing in public for $5, like flash me (if you’re a girl) or let us throw jello shots at you or whatever, you’d tell me to go to hell. but give you the radio equivalent, and your room mate would be licking the lime green slime from your cheek right now….because girl on girl action typically gets you concert tickets, too. where was i going with this? oh yeah…copper’s new job.

speaking of free shit AND concert tickets, i don’t know how many of you save ticket stubs as mementos, but i do…had to start the collection all over again after an unfortunate incident with a dog and an ex a few years ago, which cost me ALL of my depeche stubs from 1988-on as well as my new order 1989, both cure ones, sam kinison in ’87, etc, etc….NOT cool. (side note circa 2017 – some of those have been found since) but on the back of most modern ones is a coupon, which the non-sentimental can redeem for free shit. on OURS it’s a free route 44 soda at sonic with purchase of a burger at regular price. because sponsors PAY for the right to appear on our tickets, the coupons expire at the end of the year. but occasionally an albertson’s will have an old brick of stock in their safe, with an old coupon, and they’ll get mixed up and put it in their printer. so all of a sudden this guy who has bought his ticket to see the round rock express kick the shit out of the san antonio missions goes to get a free soda at sonic and is told his coupon expired…so he has to plunk down the $1.49 out of his own pocket. a $1.49? and HE has to pay for it? oh, FUCK no…somebody’s gonna hear about this!!!

so, this nimrod calls…and bitches. a LOT. at one point, i just shut down the call by offering to either:

a. drive out to the sonic nearest him, meet him there ANY TIME HE WANTED, and PERSONALLY pay for a forty-four ounce drink out of my own pocket.

or…

b. MAIL him a check for $1.49, which he could then go cash and use to buy ANYTHING his lil’ heart desired, even if it wasn’t from sonic.

he STILL bitched…talked about how “embarrassing” it was to get turned away. how it was “such a waste of his time”. how he was “never gonna buy a ticket from us EVER again”. i guess he has no plans to get out much around austin…

“yeah babe, i KNOW you wanna go to the ball game in round rock, which is only twenty minutes from our house…but those damn star tickets bastards gave me that expired soda coupon once, so i don’t deal with them anymore…we’ll have to drive down to san antone and see the game there so i can prove my point that i am one man they do NOT need to fuck with…”

(total now of 150 miles round trip, give or take, and therefore about eight bucks in gas)

keep in mind, we ARE talking about a measly $1.49 worth of liquid here…but it’s supposed to be FREE…and you KNOW how the public gets with their free shit…

this guy made enough noise to where we ended up calling ALL the outlets around austin and getting a hold of ALL the “expired” tickets…a total of about six bricks, which are now all in the trunk of my car. for those who don’t know stock packaging, six bricks equals six THOUSAND blank tickets. you can’t just throw them away, because blank legit stock it a ticket bootlegger’s dream come true…and you can’t use it, for fear of repeating the great sonicgate scandal of late june. so, it all has to be destroyed, and the best way is to simply tear it up. there are document shredding companies that will do this for you…for a price. but i think i have a solution…and it’ll cost me less than a route 44 coke at sonic…

i wonder if thermo stock is bad for the puppy pallet…any vets in the house?

(as in animal doctors…NOT people with military history)