booze

so, it’s quite rare these days that a tv commercial makes me laugh out loud. and while i don’t endorse this product (captain morgan’s rum) my tattoo genius (harold – doing the final phase of the cross on my stomach this weekend) does. now that liquor is welcome again in tv land, they get to grab my attention just like everybody else…and captain’s did it well.

trying to play off that whole, “our shit is the manliest shit you can get” scenario, they paint out aerobics as a sport – a SPECTATOR’S sport, and a bon fire only being a bon fire if it can be seen from space; but it’s the middle one in the ad that made me laugh DAMN hard. it’s a guy, he’s holding open the door to a bar with a shit-eating grin on his face (like the captain morgan’s “mascot” on the bottle label) as a gorgeous woman walks by him, and the announcer says,

“if you’re the kinda guy who knows how to treat a lady…”
(another gorgeous woman walks by him and into the bar)
“…and her neighbor…”
(another gorgeous woman walks by him and into the bar)
“…and her cousin…”
(ANOTHER gorgeous woman walks by him and into the bar)
“…and some girl she kinda knows from the gym…”

i lost it. couldn’t stop laughing, “hell, yeah!”, i thought. of course, it’s a real man who’ll date a woman who would be all over that sort of thing on her own, and would be your partner in crime in getting the other girls drunk and back to y’all’s place, because they’d never suspect HER, even though she was wanting it almost as much, if not more, than you. but, once again, i digress…

this brings to mind an email i got the other day; after i put up the piece about the end to my weekend, and having to be at the carwash five hours before i had to be up and in the shower (for reasons i WON’T go back into for the sake of kimberly, busty lil’ porn star in training) that read, “you know…i see booze mentioned a lot in here; and you always DRIVE home to write this page. you DO know that’s illegal, right?”

well, to be honest, it is. and it isn’t. i’ve spoken to police officers about this (never on the record and never in an unfriendly situation, i.e. when they’ve pulled me over or something) and they admit, as i’ve suspected, that there are really TWO kinds of drunk drivers on the road. those over the LEGAL limit, and those over their PERSONAL limit.

now, i know a few people who’s personal limit seems to be below the legal limit. total light weights. i’m not criticizing, i’m just saying (FAR from criticizing; actually, a couple of you get REALLY fun after very little alcohol; and for that, me, and my wallet, thank you). but the point is, if they blew into a breathalyzer, they would be legal; but driving in such a state probably wouldn’t be the best thing in the world to do.

then there’s he rest of us. the ones that can jet ski past the legal limit around round numero quatro, make it a six pack of rounds, and STILL make it home without anyone being the wiser. this comes from a happy combo of size, skill, and practice. i have a friend who, FAR before i started drinking at all (i never touched the stuff till i was 27 and have witnesses to prove it) was telling me about this; how much like any other skill in the world, practice makes perfect when it comes to driving with some booze in you. in fact, at the time, this guy was actually a BETTER driver when he was boozed than when he was sober. of course, that was because he would follow the one cardinal rule you HAVE to follow if you decide to cross that line like a teamster scab…

“don’t fuck around”

don’t speed. don’t have your seat belt off. don’t pull a u-turn across six lanes of traffic to change from going the wrong way down a one-way street while your girlfriend’s blowing you and you’re on the phone. all just hypothetical examples, of course; but the basic theme is, don’t do anything that will draw unnecessary attention to yourself. or you’ll end up like my buddy who has to BLOW HIS CAR in order to drive it.

sad state of affairs when your friend’s pontiac sunfire gets more hummers in a day then you do in a month, huh?

of course, he’s made it such a lifestyle, it’s scary. don’t get me wrong, he still drinks. a lot. he just doesn’t get caught anymore; and gets someone ELSE to blow his car when need be. but what’s scary was the other day when i got some ink done in san marcos and he and i were supposed to work that night. he came up to the studio to retrieve his car (which had been there over night since he KNEW he couldn’t blow to start it the night before) and even though it was now FIFTEEN hours later, he STILL registered as too intoxicated to drive, without having a DROP the whole time…meanwhile, later that night, when i dropped him off at a bar after i drove us home from work, i was able to start his car less than two minutes after putting away a double crown and coke.

see, there is such a thing as being TOO professional at this; and if you’re at issue fifteen HOURS after you put the bottle down, maybe it just needs to stay down for a while, you know? there – off my soap box.

be safe this memorial day.

that counts as community service, right? tell that to my P.O. to get him off my ass, okay?
(i am SO kidding about that)