feel the fern, part i?

okay, so yesterday i contacted kramer about some slight modifications on the header to this page, and he TOTALLY re-did it. personally, i think he did a fabulous job (i CAN say “fabulous” and still remain straight in my reader’s eyes, can’t i?). then he told me where he went for lunch…

not bar-b-q…or ‘gill’s…or thai…or chinese…or tex-mex…or seafood…or whataburger…but vegan. ULTRA vegan. like, no wheat, no flour, no animal, no dairy kinda vegan.

what the fuck is there left to eat? the PLATE? your utensils?

i’ve never understood it; how i can look at a sprig of parsley on the side of a plate and think, “garnish”. a vegan will look at the same thing and think, “appetizer”. whatever. look, i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again…i look at vegetarianism, homosexuality, and christianity with the same set of rules…your views are yours, and mine are mine. as long as you don’t try to recruit me to your side of the argument, we’re all good. if you break this rule, things will not go well.

learn from the young, impressionable, christian lad who came to my doorstep recently trying to “take me into his flock”. he asked if i praised the lord’s name on the sabbath. i answered, “well…i make my girlfriend scream out, ‘oh god…oh jesus…’ a lot on sunday mornings while we’re having our fun with me, her, and occasionally the stripper we picked up the night before. does that count?”

okay, so MAYBE i took some poetic license with the answer i gave him; but it was his fault for breaking the rule, and judging off the look on his face, i’d say he paid for it in his own mental anguish kinda way.

at least “mental anguish” was the phrase his lawyer used in the certified letter i got on tuesday; but i digress…

since i understand homosexuality (hey, we all get turned on by different things), and christianity (sometimes, when you can’t believe in yourself you have to believe is SOMEONE. i quote a shirt i wanted to buy, but they were out of my size – “i don’t have a problem with god..it’s his FOLLOWERS i have a problem with” i say switch the “his” to a “hers”…if you’re gonna piss ’em off, do it right). but vegetarianism (and more so, vegans) just baffle the hell out of me. if you had a pet cow, chicken, AND pig when you were growing up, okay. if your body doesn’t produce the enzymes to digest meat, understandable.

but if you just, and i quote something i heard the other day, “refuse to put something in your mouth that has a face”??? well, your girlfriend (or boyfriend) probably isn’t as happy as she (or he) could be. but again, i digress…here are ten things a vegetarian never gets to experience that we all get to take for granted…

1. hearing, “do you want fries with that?”
2. recommending good bar-b-que to tourists
3. super-sizing their combo
4. having a threesome with their partner and some hot stripper (oh wait…that’s christians)
5. ordering their entree medium rare
6. adding bacon for only a quarter
7. having to answer the question, “do these jeans make my ass look fat?” (oh wait…that’s something homosexuals never have to experience. i knew there had to be ONE plus side)
8. making the ever impossible decision between “original recipe” and “extra crispy”
9. picking two sides to go with their meal (their meal is NOTHING but sides, isn’t it?)
10. getting wet naps with their meal

and if you do happen to know any born-again, non-meat eating homosexuals, just leave them alone. according to darwin, they’ll take care of themselves in no time…

Replies: 2 Comments

you are a piece of shit.

bob said @ 06/20/2002 02:02 AM GMT

it was good, but I would never, ever dream of taking you there. they’d beat us both with long, thin strips of vegetable matter. wait, YOU might enjoy that. I’m definitely never taking you there. But it was good, in a bean sprout way.

astrofishy said @ 04/26/2002 07:24 PM GMT