feel the burn, part i

okay, so spring break has come and gone; and we’ve had a hot day or two (okay, not by texas standards, but we’ve had a WARM day or two) the bottom line is, at some point you’ve shed the winter layers and seen what your body REALLY looks like; and you have realized that the last time the phrase “work out” came out of your mouth was new years eve when you said, “this year i’ve got to work out”. well, much like everything associated with the first day of the year, you put it out of your mind. like all your other resolutions. or that promise you made to your toilet that you’d NEVER drink like that again. or that person you woke up next to…remember that? well, consider yourself lucky, most likely…

basically, summer cometh, and your choices are…

1. wear more clothes, and sweat like a farm animal as a result

or…

2. bare what you got, and still sweat like a farm animal ’cause when you’re in piss-poor shape, you sweat more anyway

partially for entertainment purposes, and partially for educational purposes, we’re gonna do a fitness entry or two over the next week. but don’t get me wrong, part of this is to just inspire ME…

first we’re gonna go after a basic…wardrobe. i’ve noticed around the gym, this is needing to be advised almost as much as lifting technique. a few (okay, ten) things i feel need to be avoided in the land of sweat and steel (note: not meant as a reference to my bedroom, although most of these need to be avoided there, too):

1. leg warmers….i mean, honestly. and sadly, i HAVE seen these in an aerobics class in 2k2. as in this year. and it was on a GUY. you thought i was all bullshitting when i talked about the large gay population at the gym i used to work out, didn’t you?

2. cut-offs….again, from the old gym, typically on guys and typically above mid thigh. ick. even if you ARE straight, wearing these will make it a coin toss to most in the room. and if they’re longer, it’s not quite as disgusting, but still a bit off. notice the lack of inner tubes and beer? it’s because this is a gym, NOT the river.

3. shoes that inflate…you thought they were gone, then came the guy i saw at the guy the other day. i thought these had all been burned like so many marilyn manson albums in utah. and he actually stopped half way through his set to pump up the tounge. classic. cool. IF this was 1992. but guess what, buddy boy; it’s ten years later. get back in your firebird, go home to your nagel-decorated bedroom, and throw on some van hagar. you’ll feel better. i didn’t mean to laugh out loud like that.

4. dew rags…okay, i get the point, sorta. don’t want sweat in your eyes. fine and dandy. as someone who sports the contacts on numerous occasions, i TOTALLY get it. but a bandana will do the same thing in a pinch, and as long as your gym is in a decent neighborhood, you can wear any color you choose and NOT get shot (note: do NOT attempt this at the highland mall area or stassney world gym at night. just a tip. me to you.). you know what else combats this problem? a TOWEL. to lazy to reach up to your head and wipe? then what the FUCK are you doing in the gym?

5. challenged spandex…as in challenged in it’s elasticity. look, i’ve been to danskin and gap body (with a very lovely girl, NOT on my own). we were looking for size xs, but i noticed there was quite a lot of xxl. and it apparently gets bought up. and then stretched to xxxxxl. you can almost hear it scream. keep up with the workouts, and consider the stretchy clothes as a reward later. all some of this does for the rest of us is aid in dieting (did that sound as cruel as i fear it did?)

6. bike shorts….folks, milli vanilli is gone. let ALL their legacy die. don’t get me wrong, i understand that the stretchy shorts are gonna find their way into the gym.. and going off some of the asses i saw wrapped in cotton/spandex blends today, i’m glad they’re still there. in fact, if you were one of the four blondes on the elliptical stair masters near the door at the south austin world gym today around 5:45pm, i just wanna say thanks for wearing them. but the shiny kind? that usually have contrasting stripes on the side (typically of neoprene)? not even THOSE asses would look good in. okay, MAYBE they would; but a lot of the experience would have been tainted. okay, maybe not TAINTED. but i certainly wouldn’t have tipped them like i did…

7. ANYTHING by body glove…..basically, if it was a brand kept alive by girls on posters on the hoods of mini trucks that you could buy at spencer’s gifts back when i was in high school, probably best to throw it out now. to be honest, i’m kinda surprised you still own it. where’s a carbon dating kit when you need it?

8. those little nylon running shorts….you know the ones. slit up to the waist, and typically only spotted on hooter’s girls or the guys at my old gym; but i’ve seen them arise (you have no idea how many ways that fits) elsewhere. if you wear them running (where i don’t have to see you), cool…otherwise, i will probably laugh at you. just telling you so you can be prepared.

9. fanny packs….are you over 40? on vacation? well, i STILL don’t think they’re acceptable; but you do, so that’s okay. but when you’re working out? WHY? do you need a pocket THAT big? there are locker rooms, you know. your car is right outside. if you need to toss your belongings somewhere, you’ve got options. are you afraid you’ll get lost and have to live in the wilds of the free weight room surviving only off the land and whatever you bring with you? what do you tote in there? i’m not talking about the ones that hold cd players, i mean the bonafied, full-sized, “hey kids, let’s go to six flags” kinda fanny packs. just say NO…

10. hefty suits…..okay, typically, i think they’re called “solar suits”; but they always look to me like they’re made out of hefty bags. look, i’m trying to lose weight. you’re trying to lose weight. but just because we all treat our body’s like trash doesn’t mean we need to dress them that way. plus, it makes you leave one MAJOR sweat trail. look, if i wanted to soak, i would sit in a hot tub. (and preferably, i wouldn’t be alone, so i could work up a REAL sweat…you know, like maybe with some of the auditioning strippers and my female co-judge from the “brothers gonna work it out” piece) i don’t need the same experience following you on the bench press. one bagged up behemoth left the bench so slippery i damn near slid off it. eeeeeewwwwwww…….