a little entry about something…well…not so little…

to whom it may concern:

as with any guy who was forced to sit through the mel gibson flick, i AM actually curious about what women REALLY want. what they say behind our backs. and according to the ads i’ve seen on tv and in maxim, women want a BIGGER man. size DOES matter. enter into my world, longitude. a wonderful herbal pill that promises to add three inches to me in three months. bad ass. all my adult life i’ve been 5’9″. with three more inches, i’ll be 6’0″. finally…i won’t be part of that hum-drum, average five foot whatever crowd. i’ll cross the line. i’ll be a sixer.

started taking it one month before valentine’s day, because they say the biggest difference happens in the first 30 days, and i wanted to be more of a man for my “hotty in the catholic school girl outfit” v-day plan. that didn’t happen, which is just as well; ’cause now it’s two months later. it’s been three months TOTAL. i’m STILL only 5’9″. but that’s the LEAST of my problems…

their customer support lines tell me these are very common, and nothing to be afraid of; “these” being…

a. when i take a piss it hurts so bad i blackout on my bathroom floor for about 12 minutes
b. i’m growing breasts out of my back
c. i can’t find one of my testicles
d. my shaft “down there” is constantly tingling, kinda like when your foot falls asleep.
e. i’m starting to listen to more ted nugent
f. i get an erection when i wake up that only goes away if i ponder difficult, thought provoking questions like, “what ever happened to scott baio?”.

all i wanted was to win that damn lamborghini they’re giving away, and to finally break the sixer line. was that so wrong. should have know not to fuck around with mother nature.