don’t harsh the buzz

okay, so in a few i’m gonna go grab some chicken and try not to drool on myself…

no, it’s not that i like chicken THAT much; it’s that first meal AFTER the dental visit when you’re only about 85% sure you can still feel your face. so, once i’m done writing this, away we go…hopefully not off to look more insane than i already do (since i’m currently wearing a wet suit, bowling shoes, and a rainbow clown wig, that will be a tough feat to accomplish)

i’m all about the dental hygiene for one reason. it’s not that clove aftertaste or the “fat lip” feeling. it’s not the neutral color scheme or the bland-ass “soft rock favorites of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s” that EVERY dentist seems to LOVE to play (guess they figure with celine dion going in your ears they can shove a mexican-flea-market-bought m80 under your tongue and it’ll be pleasant by comparison). nope…one reason and one reason alone.

the gas.

nitrous mother-fucking oxide.

i might not know how to spell it, but i know how to smell it. with DEEP breaths. and everything is okay in life. then the dentist leaves the room; and a new law states that if he (or she) is gone, they have to put you back on oxygen. all of a sudden, i’m NOT floating anymore. i’m not hearing the “verbs” theme from school house rock being looped and scratched through my head with a hip-hop beat (i’m probably alone on that last one, aren’t i??) what the fuck?

“dr. burton has left the room…we have to put you back on oxygen until he returns” what?? i can still SEE him…he’s not THAT far away. it’s not like he’s gone home for brunch or something. hook me up!!!

“well, you see, sean, there’s this new interpretation of the law…” the LAW? ain’t it a damn shame. they won’t let us smoke weed. they won’t let us smoke cuban cigars. (like that stops me from doing either) now they want to take away the gas at the dentist? oh, HELL no!!!

look, we as americans have a right to eat CRAP. pure, deep-fried, crap. covered in chocolate, and rolled in powdered sugar. it’s the american way. american’s can feed a starving african child for fourty-nine cents…or they can up size their combo meal to a bucket of pepsi and enough double battered fries to clog the mississippi river with cholesterol…which do you think they do? and follow it with an ice cream something or ‘nother, or that ultimate healthy desert: fat-free frozen yogurt, with bits of snickers or butterfinger mixed in. our lifestyle is destined to rot our teeth from our mouths, and now they don’t want us to have the gas? talk about your cruel and unusual punishment. sure, novacaine will kill the PAIN of the dental visit, but will it get you so stoned you walk away from the dental office horny? i think not!!! (okay…i KNOW i’m not alone on that one)

gas, grass, or ass…nobody rides for free..