affliction depiction…

…what’s your restriction?

apparently to make us all look like douche bags. at least in the eyes of some.

being a fan of the MMA shit (thanks, shane) i got into some of the clothing brands associated with the sport, affliction being one of them. but a quick (drunken) trip to their website one night yielded a two-word response to the land of the $50+ t-shirt.

not “oh cool” but rather “fuck that”.

then i worked next to a guy that almost EXCLUSIVELY wore affliction t-shirts, and he talked about how well made they were, cool designs (for the most part) and really breathed well ’cause they were light and thin. being a bigger, warm-natured guy thin and breathing clothes are bad-ass since i live in a state that’s forgotten that ninety-something degree days are acceptable – they don’t have to ALL be triple digits (seriously, what the fuck? if there were water in the lakes i’d be begging transamdan for a boat weekend soon). but cool designs and breathability aside, the $50+ price tag made me scream “fuck all that”.

but then they started some discount stores, like t.j. maxx and shit for $25 a piece. still a bit pricey, but not “holy shit” pricey. so now i own a few and love ’em – mainly ’cause of the light material. didn’t know they came with a stigma, too.

just this weekend i was hanging at the tattoo joint in austin where harold works and this gorgeous girl came in to get some work done. in the course of chatting with her i found out she was a waitress at “twin peaks”, which i guess is supposed to be the rocky mountain hooters (her girlfriend worked at the latter, non-mountainous version. well, i guess in some cases it IS mountainous, but not rocky mountained themed). anywho, she was talking about the customers in her restaurant as young, annoying, gelled spiky hair douche bags “wearing their ballcaps, girly-ass-looking jeans, and THOSE FUCKING AFFLICTION T-SHIRTS”.

although i’m only one for three on that i kinda took offense. in fact, i pointed out to her that i was, at the time, actually WEARING an affliction t-shirt. she said what all my female friends say as the “save line” after they say something about how all men suck….

“well, not YOU…the OTHERS, i mean…”

yeah, nice try.

same night the piercer at the ink joint commented on a show he’d gone to recently, and all the annoying “tool academy candidates” (vh1 reality show) with all their spiked this, and true religion that (jeans reference for my male readers – female readers knew) and “those fucking affliction t-shirts”.

i just ran my finger across my chest under the word “affliction” that ran just below my neckline. that’s when i came up with a formula…

AFFLICTION SHIRT + FLAP POCKET JEANS + SPIKY HAIR = I.D. (instant douche)

i make the distinction on the shirt ’cause both me and shane have a few. the flap pocket (rock n’ religion for all mankind variety) typically denote gay or douche, but one of the artists that works with harold wears ’em, complete with the spiky hair (in a fauxhawk, no less) and is actually a super cool dude, so i can’t even say two for three would win here. but apparently you combine all three and you cross into the insta-tool realm. so, check your mirror and closets, and if your douche ass somehow is cool enough to be this big a dick yet still read me, adjust the wardrobe accordingly.

and if you’re planning some back-to-school shopping, you know what to avoid.

AND if you know somebody that went three for three on this (not as cool as the REAL “three for three”, but that’s more a girl thing, so never mind that now) it might just be intervention time…

(and transamdan, since you tend to be somewhat trendy and cool, if this hit you three for three, in your defense, i haven’t seen you in years and all rules DO have their occasional exception)